Lying To Myself & My Parents
by EmayaLover
Summary: Emily is tired of disappointing her parents...so after collage Em decides she doesn't want to be lesbian anymore so she finds a guy and marry him. she tries to stay away from her gay life & friends, till a women name Maya comes along
1. Lesbian Episodes

I don't own anything! not the charctecrs or the book this is base off of. this whole story is set in the futher(after collage) but the first chapter and just a little bit of the secound is just the past so you know Emily's Background. This is a Emily and Maya story it's just that they meet each other way after collage. it's a really good story. Emily life in my story is diffrent in this story she has a lil sister umm read and review and of course oh and p.s the only names I will be using from the show is Emily parents, Ben and Maya. Everyone else is just made up characters.

ENJOY :)

What i called "lesbain episodes" in my life go back to high school. In high school i was very laid back ,a swimmer , kind of above avarage student who was easy on the eyes and you can say I was about five-eight. i had an aura of confidence, which was hidden behind a pronounced feelings of insecurity; i knew my name and where i lived, but didnt really know who i was.

I was a little confused at times becuase i didn't fit the few lesbian stereotypes i saw on tv and the local news. i didnt look like a boy or feel like one on the inside, but i did know i had no attraction to boys. i didn't know i was attracted to girls, though until Simone approached me. Siomone Daniels was about about my height just a little taller then me and had a sprinter's body. she had full luscious lips and long brown hair that she wore pulled back in a neat ponytail. She was a senior and the star of the Rosewood High track team. Not only was she smart and beautiful but she'd received a full academic scholorship to UCLA. Simon's nickname was tease because she flrited all the time. i think it was every guys goal at Rosewood High to sleep with Siomone Daniels. None of them ever got anywhere with her though.

one afternoon i'd just finished swim practice and she'd just finished track practice. We both had towels wrapped around us and were headed for the showers, when just by chance we made eye contact. I turned away embarrassed by what i felt at that moment. For the first time in my life this warm and tingly sensation went through my body, then i felt moist with fear. Oh my god i thought,what was all that about? Simone looked at me as i stood stunned.

"What are you afriad of Emily Fileds? I'm not going to bite you. My name is Simone," she said as she offered her hand to me. "i'm on the track team." "I know who you are" I said as i accepted her hand,thinking she knew exactly what had just happen to me "No you don't know who I am. You just know what I do." I was surprise "Okay...what's that supposed to mean?" "Hey listen Emily, I've been watching you since your freshman year here and i know what your all about"

How could she possibly know me when I wasn't sure myself? "Know what?" i asked

"That you're just like me. You're in that life"

"What life?"

"You know...'family'"

"I dont kow what you're talking about"

"Come on Emily aren't you a lesbian ?"

At this point i hadn't mastered the game of denial and retreat. I hadn't learned how to lie about my soul, nor did i know that there was something wrong with telling the truth about who i really was. I said "Why whould you ask that?"

She simply laughed, "Gay people know each other. it's called 'gaydar', lilke radar. We all have it I know you're new to this but you'll learn. Don't worry about me, our secret is safe."

Simone awakened something in me that day. Something that was as real to me as the color of my skin and the certainty to my death. I always knew I could never change those things. I also knew that in my soul i could never change who i was. After that, Simone and I became best of freinds. We spent a lot of time with each other hanging out after school. I got a lot of attention when i was with her. I'd go to her track meets and she will go to mine swim meets. Then the rumors began. I can only assume people thought that because we weren't having sex with every Harry, William or James.

But in the beginning it wasn't like that at all. Our freindship slowly evolved into a realtionship, and by the end of the school year we were emotionly and sexually consumed with each other. Out first encounter was so natural for me. It was effortless, unlike what i experinced with guys. It never dawned on that i was holding and experiencing another girl for the first time. Each embrace, touch, kiss and moment as if we were one person. Like the times when you were alone with yourself and you know exactly what makes you feel good. We always knew what and where to touch. Of course with all the time we were spending together are parents became uncomfortable with our realtionship and began to make excuses as to why we should't spend so much tome together, They often said we needed to establish other friendships.

Simone eventually went off to collage and i entered my senior year of high school. When Simone left. I felt so alone with my soul it was as if a part of me left with her. I kept to myself and looked forward to her letters. I could only call her when my parent's were out. We vowled to be loyal and faithful to each other. Nethertheless, the distance became difficult and the track couch became a mentor. The sparation from Simone was killing me and I eventually confided in Ms. Adams about our realtionship. She was surprisingly understanding to the point of comforting. Before i realized it I was spending every free moment i could with her. I wanted to be around anybody who would listen to me talk about Simone. She'd give me rides home after swim practice. Her presence filled the void of Simone's absence.

One hot humid night she'd taken me to a track meet and afterwards we stopped by Daiy Queen for some ice cream. Told her how much i appreaciated her listening and not judging us. she just shook her head as if she really wasn't listing right then. After a few moments of silence while sitting in the car she reached over and kissed me on the mouth. I was stunned to say the least. I didn't move...I didn't know what to say. She looked at me shamefully , as she realized she'd crossed the point of no return.


	2. Set The Tone

Thanks for reading my last chapter :) here is another update umm may be a little short but i had to finish Emily high school life. Next chapter she will already be out of collage. So Maya will appear pretty soon.

Later during my senior year, i left home because i thought no one understood me but Ms. Adams. My parents had always questioned our closeness. I told them she was like a mentor to me. Ms. Adams cared about me and for my well being. But in no shape or form did i have feelings for her. Like i said she was my mentor, the only one who understood me and i felt safe with her. I left a note to my parents that i was leaving home. I'll never forget that day, and neither will Lisa.

Lisa was always there for me. The problem with Lisa was no one knew what she was doing half the time. Lisa was short and wore her hair closely shaven to her head. Her wardrobe consisted mainly of men's clothing. I still thought she was attrative in a pretty boy kind of way. She was very outspoken and was voted most likey to succeed. Her parents put her out of the house when they found out she was a lesbian and she blamed the world. I guess when you're sixteen and you practically on your own you have every right to be angrey and hurt. She moved in with her aunte who lived across town. Lisa was defiant and hard to get along with. I competely understood her and what she was going on with inside of her. We knew each other since we were six, so when everyone else couldn't deal with her, I was there for her and it wasn't easy. She was angrey with me , angrey that i didn't tell my folks i was a lesbian, angry that I'd made the closet my home. Her parents never acknowledging her existence eventually got the best of her. She got into the the drug scene and ended up in jail a few times. I once heard her mother say she'd rather Lisa to be a prostitute than a lesbian.

On this particular day I told Lisa i was leaving with Ms. Adam. She warned me not to go but i went anyway. So after my parents came home and saw my letter they immediately went to Lisa looking for me, and like a true friend she told them she had no clue where Emily was and haven't even seen me. But a neighbor told my mother she saw me leaving the house with Lisa, so they knew Lisa was lying.

It wasn't until the next day that my parents put two and two together. They told Lisa that they thought she might be with Ms. Adams and they were getting ready to notify the police and the local newspaper. Lisa got in contact with us, and my father and uncle Ronny came to get me I had no clue how much i sacred and hurt my parents with this episode Seeing my mother in tears to see me safe and sound, and my uncle and father willing to do anything necessary for my safe return. I'd given my folks a few reason to mico-manage my life. It was there mission in life to make sure I wasn't a lesbian. But during the process I believe my sister Jade fell between the cracks and didn't get what she deserved from us, and for that i blame myself. Even though we never discussed my leaving home or Morgan's letter, those episodes set the tone for how my parents treated me


	3. We Can't Hang Out Anymore

Okay so i plan this whole story out, i know how i want it to end. Maya will come in chapter seven or six. This story will be about 26 chapters long!

After collage i packed up to go home, I knew something had to change and that something was me. I was tired of living a lie to my family. I knew i could never tell my folks I was a lesbian, so my only alternative was to change, become a heterosexual woman. There was really no other option for me. I'd watched ,any of my friends living a lie pretending to love a men in a way they never could, only to get through to the next day. I wanted something different for my life. But I knew spending the rest of my life with a woman wasn't a choice I had. I was simply not brave enough to take on the world as a lesbian. So i decide to become someone I wasn't for the sake of peace among the people I loved. I refused to be the one who brought shame and embarrassment to the Fields name, so hopefully at some point I'd figure out how to be attracted to men. I'd pray to God for change, and try my best to fall in love with a men and be a good mother and wife. Not just for another day, as I'd seen my friends do, but for a lifetime.

So as I took my drive home to reality I knew I had to come up with a plan, a plane for change. In order to do this certain things had to happen. First, I had to remove myself from my gay life. No clubs, no gay friends, no parades and most definitely no dating . I figured if I took myself out of the environment that would be half of my battle. The other half would be living with the fact that I will be abandoned my soul. First I had t let a few of my friends know what was happening with me. We were a tight-knit group we all graduated high school around the same time and we were gay. The few kids that did come out were often tortured beyond belief. Counselors had very little compassion due their own beliefs, so as a gay person you were pretty much on your own. After high school I went off to collage and left behind the best group of friends anybody could have. There was Iran. He was a few years older then us and worked as a hair stylist. He was the first gay man I met, and I had a great deal of respect for him and for all gay men for enduring this life. He had a handsome smile and a wonderfully personality. He was always dressed as if he had just step out of GQ Magazine. HE was a fabulous cook and threw great parties. I swear he was the happiest homosexual on earth, full of color, glamour and pride.

Donna, Iran's cousin could easily have been a model. She had a tall thin build, she wore her hair natural and her complexion was dark and smooth like butter. She was an accountant. We often teased her saying she was a lesbian simply because her career was so boring that she needed to do something to spice up her life. Donna was a closet activist. She had great ideas about making things better for gay people and tremendous organization skills. It was a shame no one would ever know it outside of us. Donna was never coming out of the closet especially after what Iran had gone through with the family. He has been on his own since he was fourteen.

Carmen, my best friend talked me out of enlisting in the Navy, but then went on to enlist herself. She did a brief tour in Germany and came back home. She never talked about what happen in the military and i never pressed it. Carmen called herself "Jarican" as her mother was from Jamaica and her father was Puerto Rican. She was also the queen of gossip and drama. Everything with her was to the tenth power. Carmen was a musician, but she got paid for working in sales. She wrote music and was a vicious on the keyboard. She had a nice body although she was on the thin side. She was about five-five with shoulder length curly brown hair, amazing green eyes and thick eyebrows that had a natural arch. We done everything together. Her house was usually the first stop when i came home from collage breaks. But she had attachment issues. Once you were her girl it was for life, and that kept her in trouble. i told her she was too young to get serious. Just enjoy the moment and move on. She had the one thing I would've given everything to have, a mother who knew she was gay and was fine with it. Well as much as she could be. Carmen's mother never really cared who came around as long as you were respectful. S I called it "out house" one of the few places i can go to be myself. It was a hot spot for me because my aunt and uncle lived right door. At times I felt bad about not going to visit when I saw Carmen, but the gay life had me so isolated I never felt I belonged anywhere, let alone family. Besides Carmen was out to the world I figured they'd easily put two and two together and that would be the end of me.

After making the four-hour drive home I was pretty tired but anxious to see my folks and Jade. As I pulled into the driveway, the three of them met me at the door and greeted me with open arms as if they hadn't seen me in years. In fact i was home often, but I guess after completing collage and being home is what that made this more special. After they helped me unpack and get settled, we all ate the fabulous dinner mother prepared. It was one of her traditional homecoming meals. During dinner we made small talk about what was going on with the family and neighbors. I was exhausted from the drive and the many farewell parties I went to before leaving. When we were finish eating and all cleaned up I went to bed, I felt I could sleep for days. But instead I tossed and turned until i gave myself a headache. I had so many things on my mind that my thoughts wouldn't allow me to sleep. Can I rally change? What will my friends think? I eventually got up, called Carmen, and told her I will be coming by her house for a minute. I knew to her that meant having a few cocktails and getting ready for the club. But not this time, I really needed to talk to her.

It took me about fifteen minutes to get there. While I was driving I was thinking What do i say? She and I have been through so much together. We had laughed at people in the past who talked about "changing" and here I was about to tell my girl, my best friend that it was me this time. That I was about to jump ship. I pulled into Carmen's circular driveway ans parked right in front of the door. I looked around and the coast was clear. No relatives to spot me. I knocked on the door and heard this loud accented ask "Who is it" it was Carmen's mom

"It's me Emily"

"Oh hi, child come on in. Carmen's in the shower. Her told me you were coming home from school today."

"Hi Ms. Anne, how are you?" I asked with the biggest smile on my face. "And yes, I'm home for good," I said proudly.

She walked over and gave me a huge hug and held my face in her hands, "Child, me doing just fine, and congratulations. Me prepared a pot of peas and coconut rice for your home comin." She then went to her room before I could even say thank you. Ms. Anne knew I loved her coconut rice and peas only as she made it. If she knew I was coming home she will often have a pot ready for me. I waited in Carmen's room, still wondering how I'd tell her we were no longer be able to hang out. Looking around the room reminded me of all the times I needed to get away. She has pictures of us at the beach and various parties we have gone to. This house and this room provided me a place of peace and tranquility. Carmen finally came out of the shower with her robe on. When she entered the room she dropped the robe and started to get dress.

"Emily, i'm glad you're home girl, Where are we going tonight?"

"What's up with you can't you get dress in the bathroom?" I said laughing at her

Carmen and I were close, but i was never up for looking at her bare ass. We had a unspoken rule: Friends don't do friends. Besides I don't think there was an attraction either way. Carmen was cool, but not my type. Besides, being with her would've been like being with my sister. She sat down and we started talking about her latest drama, same old stuff, looking or love in the clubs. Then again we didn't have many options. I took a deep breath and said "Carmen we need to talk."

"What's going on Emily? Sounds like this is going to be deep."

I took a deep breath. "Now that I'm home for good I've made some decisions...about changing my life. I don't think we should hang out anymore, or do this...gay thing."

"Excuse me? What are you talking about gay thing? Are you serious?"

"Carmen I'm very serious. I've been thinking about this for some time now, and...this isn't the life for me anymore."

Carmen stood up and began rubbing her fingers through her wet hair. "So you think you're going to wake up one morning and be 'straight'? Emily you know it doesn't work like that. I'd love to be straight as the next woman. I'd like to walk around with a men hand in hand, kiss and hold him whenever I wanted, instead if leaving my house every day not knowing when some homophobic ass hole is going to feel like stabbing me in the chest or something, just because they're insecure whit who the hell they are! If i could I'd be as straight as the next person. But then again, that wouldn't work because I am who I am. Don't you get it Emily this isn't a choice. We didn't wake up one morning and say 'hmmm okay, I'll go to the doctor, then the grocery store-Oh- and on the way home I think I'll become a lesbian and have most of this God fearing world resent me!'" Then she said very calmly " Then again, this is your life, and what you do with it is your business."

"Carmen, that sounds so simple, but it' not as easy as 'go live your life.' You know how much my family is. We have this Huxtable thing going on at home. My parents will die if they found out. What about my sister? I can't have her thinking her oldest and only sister is a lesbian."

Carmen looked down at me and sat down. "First of all, nobody is going to die. And second, I have a news flash for you, you are lesbian and your parents already know it. How could you think they don't know? Everyone in that house is in denial! have you forgotten all those 'lesbian episodes' you talked about? I guess you don't remember Morgan's letter and don't even tell me you had no feelings for her...you runaway with her Emily, and Simone why do you think they didn't want you around her? Poor chick had everything, but left school after finding out about you and Ms. Adams. That girl gave up everything for you. A scholarship , med school, track not to mention her sanity. She hasn't been right since. i can go on Emily. Your parents know you're a lesbian, but if you keep lying they'll keep believing the lie."

"I have a sister at home who looks up to me..."

"Jade will be fine. Jade loves everything about you. You can do no wrong in her eyes, Don't put this on her. You act as if you've committed some crime and need to turn yourself into the police. Being a lesbian isn't a crime. You have broken no laws. You're just living as you were born to live and if you try and change that...well, you know, Emily. We've seen our friends trun to drugs, drinking, sleeping around with every man, not to mention trying to harm themselves trying to be who their mamas and daddies want them to be."

I stood up and turned my back to her "All i know is I love God and i love my family, and that comes first. This clubbing drinking and sleeping around ain't right Carmen."

"Who is doing all of that? What does that have to do with being gay? Drinking, clubbing and sleeping around ain't right for nobody, but we all do it, don't hang that on gay people. We all get our groove on...every gender, race, and religion. Now what it so wrong to be gay and get your groove on? Emily. I'm not going to go on about this you know how i feel. I've had my struggles too. The gay life is a struggle, but you can't just quit and try to be something your not. You've got this all wrong, and I'm not going to spend all night talking about your family, because this is exactly who this is about the Fields family, not you. I'm still going to be your girl, so whenever you're done let me know. Now let's go celebrate your homecoming."

"No Carmen!"

"Come on Emily you are really tripping. So we can't hang out any more? Are you serious?

"I'm not saying we can't hang out...I'm saying I need some time to figure this out with no distractions. So, no I won't be doing the club or coming around as much..."

"Distractions! Oh so now I'm a distraction Emily, I don't believe you! Look, whatever girl. Go do your thing!"

"I'll talk to you later Carmen"

Before she could say another word I was in my car and gone. I didn't even look back. i knew what I had to do and was determined to do it. The gay life was no longer my life, period. The end. If my friends didn't understand then I guess I didn't have any friends, and i needed to be prepared for that. I also knew that before I reach the next light Carmen would be on the phone spreading the news. I drove around for another hour telling myself this was the right thing to do. But i kept wondering. Was I really born this way, and if was why would God do this to me? Why make me like this on the inside if I can't live like this on the outside? Why am I not attracted to men? But it didn't matter anymore, because I knew what had to be done.


	4. Date Night

About four months had gone by, and I let one of my straight friends set me up on a double date. Sandra Grey lived a few blocks from me. Although we lived in the same neighborhood, we didn't hang out much. She was smart, and attractive, she had a beautiful bronze tone, and the best set of teeth I've ever seen. Her smile made you want to smile for no real reason. Plus, she had a body to die for. She had a son when she was sixteen, and the gossiping folks thought that would be the end of her. But instead of giving in as so many other girls had done, she stayed in school and had her baby. And that itself was a turn on. She was a mother, and I had a lot of respect for her and a huge crush on her before but i always kept it in perspective and never let her know it. We ended up working together at the same gym during college summers. She had no idea I was a lesbian, which was fine with me. She was the only straight friend who I would've told I was gay, but it wasn't worth risking the friendship. So I allowed her to think a fine man meant the world to me, and all was good. She recently finished the FBI academy, she now worked as a federal agent. Sandra told me she will set me up with Ben Coogan this guy who had a thing for me in high school. I thought that if I could ever be with a guy it would be with him. He was good looking and hung out with the "popular" group of kids. I had no clue until senior year that he had some kind of crush on me. But I was head of heels for Simone and didn't pay much attention to him or anyone else.

Sandra and Ben both went to Hampton University, and she told me he often asked about me. The last time I saw him was at a restaurant while I was home on spring break. We spoke for a few moments, but I was with the gang so I sort of rushed him along. I wondered now if he still looks at me the same. So while I was at home preparing for my first date, all of a sudden I began to feel terrified. I had no idea what I was about to get into. What if I started looking at other women, or use some gay slang? I heard the phone ring and my mother came down the hall to tell me Sandra was on the phone. I answered and Sandra went on to tell me about our plans for the evening. She and Marcus, her boyfriend would come by at 7:00 and we will meet Ben at his father's house. We decided to go to Club Milan, one of the hottest club in the city. I'd met Marcus a few times before. He was one of those guys who thought it was all about him. He was strikingly handsome, but he knew it and it was a turn-off. But he was doing something right, because Monica was crazy in love. I had to give him credit, he treated Monica's son Jay like his own.

I was sitting on my bed half naked wondering what the hell was I doing. And at the same time I answered " I'm doing what I have to do."

As I began to get dressed there was a knock at my door. I grabbed my robe and said, "Come in." It was my mother. Every time a woman called the house, she would knock on my door as soon as she heard the phone hang up as if I had to tell her something. She walked in my room and said "Emily are you going out?"

"Yes I am"

"Where are you going"

For the first time it felt good not to have to lie. "Sandra and I are going out with Ben Coogan and her boyfriend Marcus. Do you remember Ben.? We are going to dinner and a club."

Mother looked surprised but pleased. "Yes I remember him." You can see the relief on her face.

So Sandra and Marcus picked me up and we were off to meet Ben at his father house. "Emily you won't believe how fine Ben is. Playing football definitely did him well. There's not an ounce of fat on him." Sandra said, totally ignoring her own man and his enormous ego. " You never know, he may be the one!... It's about time he went out with a real lady instead of those tired women he dates."

We pulled up in front of the house, got out of the car and walked to the door. Sandra rang the doorbell and Ben's father answered the door. Ben stood by the TV as we entered. He had on tan slacks and a black fitted button down shirt. He was simply a sensational looking men. I walked to him and said "Ben Coogan it's so good to see you again. You look great"

"Hi Emily. You're looking fine yourself."

"Thank you" I said clearly blushing.

There was something about him. How can he be so cute and not be married yet or have a girlfriend? Damn, was he going through the change too?

We had reservations for 8:00 and we were running late. I had little to say in the car on the way to the restaurant. I listened to the conversation about relationships, and Marcus and Sandra's life. I was just trying to fit in.

Dinner was great. Although I was a bit uncomfortable at first, I had a few drinks and was able to unwind a little. Ben was give me all of his attention, he seemed really sincere ans didn't appear to be one-liners. After about an hour and a half we headed to the club. A terrifying thought came over me as we entered Club Milan. There was no doubt that i will see a few girls doing the boyfriend/husband thing. But as long as we kept our cool, and no one got too intoxicated or envious it will be okay. Still the thought of one of them outing me was about to bring my food up. The club was hopping. The girls were looking good, and of course my heart was pounding. I started to panic for no reason, so I immediately had another drink to calm my nerves and asked Ben to dance. We danced all night. Ben and I caught up as much as we could with each other's lives. I was no stranger to the club scene, and Ben was surprised that I wanted to dance all night. For me the dance floor was the safest place to be. The men gawking at me behind Ben's back made me feel uncomfortable. But the women easily outnumbering the men made me feel like a kid in a candy store.

At the end if the night, Ben and I decided Sandra would take me back to his dad's house and he will drive me home. When Sandra dropped us off, Ben and I went inside. His father was up watching television so we sat on the back porch and talked. He was so gentle and so kind. Yet there was this strength in him that was so special. He said he will only be in town for another three days before going back to Virginia, and asked me if we could spend some time together.

I said, "I'd love to."

Then he started reminiscing about high school. I hated talking about high school it just reminded me of bad times.

"Why were you so quiet in school Emily"

"I don't know, I never really liked school...or, the school environment"

"But you were on the swim team...you were the best you lead your team to nationals all four years and won"

"Swimming was a safe place for me...under the water I can't really explain it but it just felt good to escape from the world."

"hmm I see." He said with a comfort smile. "You know I was very jealous when you dated Bryant Simms as much as I tried to get u to notice me."

"Hold it! I never dated Bryant Simms. We were just friends."

"Well who did you date?"

I wasn't crazy about where this line of questioning was going. I dated guys in high school because that's what you did in high school. I went to the prom twice and did everything everyone else was doing, including having sex. My first encounter with a guy was uneventful, or not very satisfying for me. I did it because it was something that had to be done. Actually I was very excited about the idea at the time. I wanted to experience what everyone else was talking about. I knew something was wrong after it was over, I felt as if I'd been violated. No passion or love was involved. I knew I didn't care enough about him nor did her care enough about me, to be having sex and the act of intercourse was purely selfish on both our parts. More than that I felt nothing. Definitely not what the girls talked about and I sure as hell wasn't looking forward to doing it again.

"I just kept to myself...it was just better for me."

"See Emily that's what I liked about you. You weren't like those other girls who were always trying to sleep around with the athletes."

"Well Ben I wasn't no saint either!"

"Relax. I know you were no saint. I'm trying to tell you I thought the way you handled yourself was special."

There I was, getting defensive because someone thought I was something special and unique. In actuality I was no better than the average teenage girl, the only difference was I had no desire to be with guys.

"Emily can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"In school they were saying you were a lesbian and you and Simone Daniels were lovers. Whatever happen to her anyway?"

So there it was I was a pro when it came to lying about this . It was like reciting my name, address and phone number.

"Look Ben if you weren't sleeping around with every Dave, Donald or Duane then that automatically made you a lesbian. I'm not sure what happen to Simone I just know she left collage early ."

How could I tell Ben that Simone left collage to come back in hopes of us starting a life together? But what she came home to find was Ms. Adams and I sort of involved...her girlfriend and her mentor. She just couldn't handle it. She ended up dropping out of college and hating both of us.

I quickly changed the subject. "When are you leaving?"

"Tuesday."

"Do you think you'll be up for church in the morning?"

"Yes I'd love to go"

"Okay, I'll pick you up around ten."

"Good" he said, "Well I better get you back."

The drive home was very quiet. I was sick for having to lie to Ben. But that's all I knew how to do. I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle the rejection and heartache I'd seen other people go through when they told the truth.


	5. Truth

Thanks For The Reviews :) Maya should be here in i think in two, more chapters maybe three.

I have to "developed" Ben and Emily's relationship before i bring Maya in

Sunday morning at the Field's house meant getting ready for church service. When I left home for college I didn't go to church as often, my faith was uncontested. I didn't always live by the book, because it often confused me. I never knew how folks could pick and choose certain parts of the bible to dictate how you should live your life and ignore the rest. Nevertheless, my relationship with God was my own. My folks and Jade had already left to go to the early service and I was on my way to Ben's house. On my drive over I was thinking about whether or not I could truly fall in love with a man and be committed to him for the rest of my life. _Why not_? I thought. I'd stuck to this decision for at least four month. I hadn't hung out with Carmen or the gang at all, and I only talked to her twice since I told her about my decision. Still, I really missed her. But I remained focused on what had to be done.

Ben was waiting outside for me when I got to his house, and he looked sharp. He had on this blue suite with a white shirt and burgundy tie. I got out the car to greet him with a hug, and he gently kissed my cheek. He told me how great I looked. I had one a blue designer dress with a jacket and my hair was neatly pulled back with just enough curl to have a little bounce. As I walked back to the car Ben looked at me and said

"Don't you smell good."

"Thanks," I smiled

"Emily, I was thinking about our conversation last night and was wondering , were you offended when I asked you about the rumors I heard in school?"

"No I wasn't offended, let me ask you a question and be honest."

"Go head"

"What kind of men are?"

Ben looked puzzled "What do you mean by that?"

"What type of men are you Ben"

"The honest kind, the kind that knows how to treat a woman. I love my mother more than anything and she always told me if can't treat and respect a woman how I her than I don't deserve her"

"So your saying you never cheated on a woman before?"

"I'm not saying that. I've done some pretty stupid things growing up and I'm not perfect. Basically what i'm trying to say is that I've learned from my mistakes. Each day i'm learning. Let me ask you a question, What are you looking for in a man?"

I'd never thought about that question, but I guess it would be the same thing I'd want in a women.

"He has to be handsome, have a great sense of humor know what they want and who they are. I'm not complicated."

"I think I can handle that." He said with a smile "Emily um do you think we could see each other more often I have family here and I'm sometimes here on business."

"I'd love that"

I knew if I could fall in Love with a guy it would be him. The only downfall is that he was a man and I was scared to death of the possibility of being with a man, or ever hurting him.

Church was spirited and long as usual but I enjoyed every minute. On this particular Sunday Reverend Boyd talked about not just living for the moment but understanding your purpose in life. But living for the moment was all I knew. As far as purpose. I wasn't sure if I'd ever know what that was all about.

We left church and headed back to my house for Sunday dinner I knew my folks would feel proud that I was bring a man home for dinner. We walked in and I introduced Ben yo my parents and my sister. The whole family immediately took to him. He had an effect on people that made them feel good. He showered them with compliments, which they loved. He was was the kind of person if you meant him only once, a year you'd remember his name. The phone rang as mother was going into the kitchen. She answered it and I heard her say in a cold voice I wouldn't be able to come to the phone because the family was having dinner.

I said "Mom who is it?"

"Carmen"

"Oh tell her I'll call her right back."

Then I heard her say, "Look Carmen, this isn't a good time."

She hung up and told me Carmen said call her ASAP. My mom didn't like Carmen I'm sure it was because she suspected Carmen was a lesbian, though she never asked.

I took Ben back to his father's house after dinner so he can get some work done. He told me he had a wonderful time and especially enjoyed meeting my family. On my ride home I was thinking that seeing my family so happy bought an unspeakable joy to me and I knew I was doing the right thing. I'd figure since I was out I'd stop by Carmen's house to see what was so urgent. Even though I knew I could no longer hang out with the girls, Carmen was still my girl and always treated me right. I Pulled up to the front of the house making sure none of my relatives were around. I got out of the car quickly and rang the doorbell as if I was hiding from the police. Carmen answered the door with a look of rage in her eyes.

"Hey girl what's up" I said, walking in.

"I don't believe this shit!" She shouted.

Carmen always had some drama going on and I could only imagine what it was this time. I walked over to her, grabbed her arm and asked "What's going on?"

"All we went through, and she does this to me!"

"Are you going to tell me what's going on or not"

"Karen's husband called me this morning."

Carmen had been seeing this chick name Karen, off and on for a few years. Their relationship was a little strange though. We'd all go out and Karen would either meet us there or leave early. She always blamed her sudden department or late arrivals on work, but I often wondered. Carmen thought nothing of it.

"Hold on", I said "She has a husband?"

"What part of her husband called me don't you understand? Look Emily, I'm sorry. I can't believe this shit is happening to me. This man called here this morning and said he was Karen's husband and they've been married for five years and she's pregnant. Then he said if I didn't stay away from her he was going to my job and tell everyone I was a lesbian. Can you believe this? First of all, I don't care about the threat you know I'm not in the closet. Second, how could I be so damn stupid? I've been all through her house. She never once mentioned a husband. We actually talked about moving in together...and she's pregnant! I can't handle this!"

"You're kidding right?"

"Do I look like someone telling me a damn joke? I've been going through this hell since this morning, and I called you, my best friend in the world, and you won't even come to the phone. Emily I would've never done that to you. As a matter of fact, now that I think of it, to hell with you Emily Fields!"

"Wait a minute, Carmen don't take this out on me. I'm not the one who's been screwing you over for two years."

"No, just the one who's been screwing me over for the last few months. Think about Emily, you waltz your ass in here to tell me, after all we've been through you're no longer a lesbian, and you can't hung at with us gay folks no more because you've decided to 'change.' You're a trip it's like you think you've drunk some straight Kool-Aid or something. You know what? Now that I think about it to hell with you again, Emily! If you're really straight as you claim to be, being around gay people shouldn't bother you. Remember honey, you can't catch being gay, and you damn sure can't cure it. It's not like a flu. No vaccine for this baby! You need to get your mixed-up and confused life together!"

"Wait a minute, Carmen I don't need this from you. I know you're hurting but I know now more than ever what I'm doing is the right thing. What are you going to do about Karen?"

"Don't worry your straight little ass about me. You can't relate to my problems anymore."

"What's that suppose to mean? I have to be gay to relate to you? That makes a lot of sense."

"No you don't have to be gay. But you need to be rational, and right now you make no sense. You have totally cut off all the people who've been there for you. It's as if we never existed."

"I'm sorry, Carmen I just need you to let me do this and support me. That's what real friends do."

"Well I can't and I won't support this. I just don't get how you can wake up one morning and be a different person. Do you honestly think you've changed something?"

"This is a process for me. I don't know how it'll end. But I can't continue to live this life

"Well stop lying. Tell your parents the truth. Emily you know I love you like a sister. I know what your're trying to do and it won't work. You can't make a women love another women and you can't make yourself feel something that is not for you to feel."

I felt horrible. I knew she was hurting, and me not being around made it all the more difficult for her. We usually got through this stuff together over a few margaritas. Carmen was now yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Down to what Emily? Down to what? Oh I know down to the world of dykes and fags, right? Look I may not be a college graduate or come from a fine family, but at least I know who the hell I am. You know what else I know? I know that the ultimate sin is living a lie. And that's all you're doing running around and lying to yourself. You may find some happiness and make the folks happy for a while but what about after the fact, when you start to crack when you can't hide who you are anymore. You won't only be hurting yourself but you will also be hurting him. Look just go, and I'll talk to you later."

I didn't say a word, just stood up and walked out the door. I got in my car and drove off. I knew most of what Carmen said was true, but I was determined not to see pain on my parents face ever again. If that meant me not being blissfully happy, then occasionally happy was fine with me.


	6. Let's Get Married

Thanks For The Reviews :)

Ben lived in Virginia but he was always here in Pennsylvania on business or visiting his dad. When he was here Ben and I began to spend a lot of time together. I was starting to feel a little pressure from him for sex, and felt I could no longer hide behind my excuse of "needing more time" I knew I'd have to eventually respond to him sexually. I was attracted to his spirit and strength, but I was still longing to find a sexual attraction to him. I knew what sex was like with guys, and even though I had my share of encounters it couldn't begin to compare to what I'd experience with women. Nothing in my head was making sense to me. But that's how it was for me. I often lived in confusion. Ben called on a Thursday evening from Virginia as I was basting in purgatory, wishing someone or something would give me an answer.

"Hey Ben."

"Hi honey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. I was debating whether or not I should go to the gym."

"Well, if you want my opinion I say you do whatever it takes to keep that fine body of yours nice and shapely."

Ben often complicated me on my body. I wasn't conceited, but I loved hearing him say it.

"Well, since you put it like that, I guess I'll get up and go shortly."

"Emily, when you get back I'd like to talk to you about something."

"What is it honey? I can't go knowing you have something on your mind. What is it?

"I...wanted to talk to you about us, and our relationship. I don't know what kind of relationship we have. I need to know where this is going."

"Ben, I really enjoy the time we spent together. I really like everything about you. I only wish you were here, or I were there with you. The distance is difficult."

"So what so we suggest we do? I think distance is a small fraction of our problem. I want to know what you're feeling inside Emily..."

"I think we have a chance a something. Of course there are no guarantees, but it's definitely worth the effort for me."

The line went silent. I thought maybe I said something wrong. After a long sigh Ben said " Emily you're everything I want in a women. Your're spiritual, loving,caring, beautiful and I especially love the face that family is very important to you. In you I've found what I been looking for all my life. I'd love to hold you and wake up to you every day. I'd love to make passionate love to you.

"Ben I don't want you to think I don't want to make love to you. I just don't wan to be another chick to you..."

Who was I fooling? I was terrified at the thought of having sex with Ben. I'd just gotten use to touching him, and less then six month ago I was dating women.

"Emily I have an idea."

"All ears baby."

"Let's get married."

I wasn't sure if I was hearing him correctly. Did he just ask me to marry him?

"Emily are you there?'

"Yes, I'm still here. Did you say let's get married? Are you sure you want to, to...get married?

"Yes, Emily why not? I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend my life with. I adored you in high school and I still adore you. This time I'm not letting you get away. I've dated my share of women, but there is something different about you. And I've fallen in love. I never thought I'd get married after my parents divorced It wasn't a bad divorced, but it was my parents and I'd sort of put marriage on the back burner until I met you again."

What could I say? This is what I wanted. A man to love me enough to want to be with me for the rest of my life. Here was my chance to be a complete women. Why not marry Ben? If he were a women I wouldn't give it a second thought. We'd have the perfect life in an imperfect world filled with intolerance hate, and closed minded people. Once Ben and I married that would no longer be my concern. Then I begun to think, what if I become one of those people, filled with intolerance and hatred for people that were unlike them? It was a scary moment, but I knew marrying Ben was the only choice I had.

"Yes Ben let's do it. Let's get married! I'd love nothing more in this world than to be your wife and make you the happiest man on earth."

"I love you Emily Fields. Let's allow this to sink in, and see if we feel the same way in the morning." He laughed

"I love you too. Good night, honey."

I sat on my bed holding the phone as if it was going to hang up by itself. Had I said yes and agreed to marry Ben? Did this mean I was no longer lesbian? And what was a lesbian anyway? If it was a women who is attracted to another women in her soul, then I still was. If it was a women who sleeps with other women then I wasn't. So what was I and what was I doing? Could I give this man I cared for what he deserved...to be loved by someone unconditionally? Would he still want to marry me if he knew I was a transforming lesbian? He had the right to know, but I didn't have the courage to tell him. In my heart I felt I needed to, but my soul was still disturbed.

As I got dressed to go to the gym. I heard a knock on my bedroom door. It was Jade.

"What's up? I asked "I'm on my on my to the gym. You want to come?'

"Yeah let me get my stuff."

Jade appeared to have something on her mind. Since I'd moved back home she'd been distant. Jade was always cracking jokes and making people laugh. She loved attention and being the life of the party. She was a really good person with a lot going for her. But not lately. Her problem was that school wasn't a real priority, and she felt she could rely on her good looks and talent. Her three favorite things in the world were our family, cheerleading scholarship of her choice if she could just say focused on her grades, so I couldn't understand why she wanted no part of college. My friends and I always kept Jade out of the loop. I didn't want my little sister to know I was a lesbian, and my folks definitely didn't want her to know about my "gay episodes"

Jade was unusually quite on the way to the gym. I asked her what was on her mind and she said "Nothing much. The mom and dad are on me about college. I'm not like you Emily...I'm not college material. I'm barely making C's. If it wasn't for cheerleading I wouldn't have made it this far."

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know, maybe go to dance school or something."

"What's wrong with that?"

"I know mother wants me to go to college and be a gradate like you."

"Look Jade I know the folks can be tough, but you have to do your own thing. Be your own girl."

I wished I practiced what I preached "What's with John, Jack, Jason or whatever his name is? Do he have anything to do with your grades dropping?"

"No, I have a few guys I like to keep around, nothing serious."

"Yeah I heard you got quite popular while I was gone."

"I can't help it if the guys love me." She laughed

"Conceited too." I added

"Hey can I ask you something Emily?"

"Sure"

"Remember when I first start going to High School and I was getting into all that trouble?"

"Yeah, Mom told me about that."

"Well, it started with some of the girls on the cheerleading team saying you were a dyke, and if you were a dyke then I must be one too. They said you were involved with that track star Simone Daniels. I was in the principal's office or detention every day over some gay talk about you. Did you know she coaches the track team now?"

I'd spent most of my high school years trying to avoid being labeled a lesbo or dyke and this is what my little sister had to go through. "Who said that to you Jade and why didn't you ever say anything to me?"

"Just some girls. It was really bad my freshman year, then it sort of stopped when they realized I was twice as good as them at anything they tried to do...including hanging out with their man. But why would they say those things?"

"Maybe because I crashed the books and didn't screw every guy in sight, so that automatically made me a dyke."

"Well what about the rumors about you and Ms. Adams? They were saying she was a dyke too, and I remember when you ran away with her."

"Look Jade, I was going through some stuff and Ms. Adams helped me through it. She was my mentor and that's it!" As for we were just really good friends."

Jade mumbled something under her breath.

"What was that...?"

"I heard turned you out, and when I asked Ms. Daniels did she ever know you she said no."

I pulled over and stopped the car. "Did you say she turned me out?'

"Well that's what I heard."

Jade what's this all about? What do you mean turned me out?"

"You know like boyfriend and girlfriend..."

"Look Jade, this is the last time we'll have this conversation. didn't turn me out! I said she helped me work some things out. As for Ms. Daniels she and I were friends at one time. We had our differences and that's it."

"Like what Emily? What things did 'work out' and what 'differences between between you and Ms. Daniels?"

"None of your damn business! Now leave it the hell alone!"

I'd never talked to my sister like that. She had this terrified look on her face as if she didn't know who I was. I felt I didn't know either. There was silence in the car as I pulled off.

When we reached the gym I grabbed my bag, slammed the car door without saying a word and walked into the building. I never even looked back to see if Jade had gotten out of the car. I went into the locker room, changed my clothes, got on the treadmill, and tried my best to run until I passed out. I didn't want to think about anything. Once again I'd hurt someone who meant the world to me trying to keep my soul a secret. The story of my life. It would all stop as soon as Ben and I got married and I left this place and those memories.

Jade was in aerobic class. She would come in every so often to see if I was ready to go. I could tell she was afraid to say anything to me, which was fine because I had no clue what to say to her. Finally I decide to stop running after I felt I could no longer catch my breath. By then Jade had stopped and come into the fitness room. She started stretching, and I got up and told her I was heading to the shower.

On the way home I apologized for going off on her. She just looked out the window. It was if she was watching everything she thought or believed about me go out the window and she had no idea who I was.


	7. Iran's House

MAYA IS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! :)

MORE REVIEWS I GET THE FASTER I POST.

I was often uncertain about which direction my life would eventually take, but one thing I did know was that I wanted to touch lives. Let kids know that no matter what, love yourself, be yourself and despite your situation never give up on yourself. Hopefully at some point at practice what a taught. I got a job as a junior high substitute and as I sat in class waiting for my kids. I thought I was finally doing what I wanted to do, but for some reason something was missing. I'd go to work excited and ready to teach every day. I wanted so much to be able to talk reality with my students. I knew some of them were struggling with their sexuality, but I also knew I didn't have the courage to help them. Hell I didn't know how to help my damn self. So I just pretended not see their needs. I though teaching would be the answer to my career question at least. I love it or maybe in my mind i wanted to prove something to . To show her what you do with a position of authority over students. I always felt she stole some of innocence years ago. So i figured I'd be the role model she never could be.

I must of been deep in thought when the bell rang, because I almost jumped out my chair when I heard it. Dealing with students humble me. It was a way of giving back for me. I knew I was fortunate to have the hand that was dealt to me in my life, so I thought I'd go share my cards with other folks. That was one of the lessons my parents taught us. They always said, "When you get to a place where you're comfortable in life, embrace it, treasure it then go share it with someone else"

It was my last class and I was trying to decide what days I'd tale off to go see Ben. I decided I'd leave on Wednesday and return on Sunday evening. Two days had passed since Ben had proposed and I still hadn't found a way to tell my folks. I thought they'd be very excited so I couldn't figured out why I was so antsy. Deep down inside I knew it was because I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing.

I pulled in front of my house and saw a few extra cars out front. I'd forgotten it was Saturday night and dad had a few deacons from the church over to discuss church business. So i decided to go see what Carmen was up to. It has been a few since our fight last time, and I felt bad. I drove by her house and didn't see her car, so I thought she might be at Iran's, one of the get together spots. Iran kept us laughing all the time and he was a fantastic cook. I'd known him for years and he kind of helped me along with the gay life. Iran loved watching people and loved being seen. I drove the few miles, I soon arrived to his house. He had a huge patio awkwardly built in the front of his house. There were chairs, umbrellas, a barbeque grill, wet bar and colored patio lanterns hanging from the gate and roof. His place was smaller on the inside than it looked on the outside, but it didn't feel small. He had floor-to-floor ceiling mirrored walls in the living room and huge windows. Iran's place was always filled with people having cocktails, playing cards, and listing to music. Mostly professional fabulous looking women and men who wanted to get away from their nine to fives and the closet to let loose.

I knew this was a danger zone for me, but what the hell. If I was to be a heterosexual women, then as Carmen said, this shouldn't be a problem for me. Just standing outside the door I was feeling the music, It reminded me of those club days. We had a ball! Donna answered the door and said with a curious smile

"Hey Emily baby, long time no see."

"Hi, Donna how are you?" I asked as I gave her a hug.

"Real good, honey come on in"

Just like out times, the place was jumping with the latest sounds of R&B and house music. Iran was in the kitchen cooking up something. It smelled like his famous chicken spaghetti and homemade garlic bread. As I walked in I immediately felt all eyes on me. I knew Carmen had been running her mouth about me, but one thing about this group was that we supported each other. We often talked crap about each other, but there was still a lot of love and I felt it in the room.

Iran said "What's up girl, long time since I heard from you. Where have you been?"

"Just working" I said scanning the room.

"I heard you've flipped to the other side," he said with his hand over his mouth.

"Let's just say I'm doing what I have to do for me."

"Well, I wish you all the best. You know I'll always be here for you."

"Thanks, Iran. know"

Carmen walked over. I could tell she had more than a few cocktails. She wasn't drunk, but she was tipsy enough to be talking crap.

"Am I the only one keeping it real in here? You all act like some kind of miracle has occurred. Nothing's happen other then Emily is ruining her life and you're encouraging it."

"Lighten up Carmen" Iran said "This is her life, and if she feels like she needs to change, who are you or anyone else to say different? We've all been there."

"I'm her friend. A real friend and the only one, apparently who won't tell her what she want to hear."

Iran said "Damn Carmen, who made you the expert on gay/straight life?"

"You don't have to be an expert to see what's going on. Emily is about to mess up her life."

"Look Carmen, just chill with putting my business out," I said "What we discuss is not to be debated in an open forum."

Donna was within earshot. "To late for that. It's none of my business, but if someone asked me I think you really need to think about this Emily. We all know how hard this life is. Having to deal with our families, friends, jobs and the church. I feel your pain, I've been in the closet all my life Emily and that's probably where I'll stay. But to say you're not gay anymore, what's that all about?"

I pulled Donna to the side and said harshly, "I'm sick and tired of hearing the hate, listening to the patronizing questions, not to mention being ridiculed by people who know nothing about my world. As soon as people find out you're a lesbian the first thing they think about is sex. Hmmmm wonder what they do. Well, you know what I do. I get up every day and I go to work. I go to church. I spend countless hours tutoring my students. I honor my mother and father. I try my best to do the right thing. But when people find out you're lesbian all they see is one big walkin sexin vagina! I'm sick of it. What's wrong with not wanting to be hated? You can't change being white, black, Mexican, Asian, or even ugly, but I can damn sure change being lesbian anytime I damn please, and if that's what I want to do than that's what I'll do!"

By now I was completely out of breath and in need of a drink. I made my way to the kitchen for a glass of water to cool down. When I got back I said "Look, I didn't come here for this, but since I got you all together I have some news."

Everyone turned around and stopped what they were doing. Carmen walked over to where I was standing. I turned down the music and said, "I getting married!"

It got so quite you could hear a pen drop. Carmen finally said "Well I'll be damned. She's lost it for sure."

Iran and some of the others offered congratulations and best wishes. But Carmen and a few others had this look of disbelief on their faces.

Donna said "Who is the lucky man?"

"Ben Cooga" I said proudly.

"Ben Cooga I haven't seen him years," Donna said "where's he been, and how'd you meet him?

"He went to college in Virginia and lives there now. It's a long story..."

Carmen looked as if she was going to pass out. "I'm so over you Emily Fields. That's one ceremony I won't be attending" she said

Iran said "Well, I guess this has turned into an engagement party...

"An engagement party my ass!" Carmen said. "Where is the fiance? Oh, I forgot. He probably has no clue he's marrying a lesbian!"

"Will somebody please make her sit down and shut up? I've had about enough of her mouth" Iran said. "Hey are you all up for The

Waterfront tonight? Come on let's send Emily out right."

Carmen stood up and said "Oh you didn't know Emily doesn't do the gay clubs anymore. As a matter of fact I don't know why she'd here cause she don't do you gay people anymore either.

Totally ignoring Carmen I said, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have a pass"

"Come on Emily, let's do it for old times' sake. Who know when we'll be together again? Don't worry, we'll protect you from those beautiful ladies" Iran said laughing

I was thinking, why not? Why not see if I was as secure enough in my mind as I thought. And besides these guys had always been there for me and we'd seen a lot. We watched our friends contract HIV. We'd seen others try to take their own lives. Not to mention the drug and alcohol abuse we witnessed, and most of us hadn't reached thirty yet. I was like sister to them...not by age, just through naivety. I was either. I was either caught up in some stuff at the clubs or there was drama at the home with me sneaking out. What the hell I thought, if I could get through this night all would be cool.

I eventually said, "Let's meet up around one."

That was fine with me. It would give me a chance to go home and talk to the folks before going out. Frustrated as I was with Carmen, I told her I'd be by her house about midnight to pick her up.


	8. Maya St Germain

Okay so Maya in this story is kind of different. You well see as you read.

Nothing huge I promise. Same old Maya just a little of changes like her education.

But enjoy and review :)

I'd already figured out what I was going to tell my family. I opened the door mother was cleaning the kitchen and dad and Jade were watching tv. I walked in and said as if I was a ringmaster at a circus, "Family I have some wonderful news. Gather around, I have some really wonderful news!" Dad had this bewildered look on his face. Jade appeared unconcerned. Mother came out the kitchen with nervous smile on her face. As everyone walked into the family room I picked up the remote control and turned the tv off. I told mother to have a seat, then shouted "I'm getting married!" there was total silence for about a seconds

"When did this happen?" Mother finally asked.

"Well, we talked about it a few days ago, and we realized we loved each other and we want to be together forever."

"A few days it took you to tell us" Dad said

"I just wanted to be sure"

He smiled so big and and "Congratulations dear, I'm very proud and happy for you. Ben seems like a god man." He stood and gave me a hug.

"Thanks dad, he is great" I said smiling

Mother and Jade were still looking at me in amazement.

Jade said, "Are you sure? You just met him. Doesn't he live in Virginia? Will he be moving here?

"Yes i'm sure and I didn't just meet him. More than likely I'll be moving to Virginia. He's really settled with his job and hopes to start his own business soon. And besides I can teach anywhere if that what I decide to do.

"I'm happy for you Emily, if that's what you want to do," Jade said with a smirk on her face.

"When's the big day?" Mother asked

"Well we haven't decide on that yet, but I'll be going to see him for a few days to meet the rest of his family and talk about dates."

Mother gave me a big hug. "I love you Emily and all I ever wanted from you was happiness. I can't wait to share that moment with you."

Yeah right. What she really meant was all I ever wanted for you was happiness as long as it's not with a women. But I always i understood my mothers's fears. With my voice cracking I said " I know mother, I know." Then I said "Look I'm going to hang out with my friends tonight. I'll see you all tomorrow."

Before mother could ask with whom, I was halfway to my room. I couldn't wait to take a shower. The shower was what I need nice and hot. I took about a twenty-minute when I got out I felt like a dried prune. All I could think about was how happy I'd made my parents and the proud looks on their faces. I saw in their eyes that we could finally put all this gay stuff behind us. The relief on their faces was something I'd never forget. I'd done what I thought I'd never be able to do...make them proud that I was their daughter. I was also relieved and couldn't wait to talk to Ben. As I was going through my closet looking for something to wear to the club the phone rang.

"Hi Emily."

"Hey Ben, how are you?"

"I'm doing good and missing you baby"

"I miss you too. Guess what?"

"What?"

"I told my folks about us getting married."

"So you didn't change your mind. I wish I could've been there. What did they say?"

"Oh course I didn't change my mind. They were ecstatic and so am I."

"I can't wait to see you. Are you still coming up on Wednesday?"

"Yes, I'am. My first flight gets in at eight. Is that okay?"

"That's fine I have a few surprises planned and I can't wait to introduce you to my family. My father flying up, and a few of my buddies will be here too."

"Well I can't wait to see them."

"Okay Emily, let me get going and I'll talk to you later."

"Bye Ben"

"Talk to you later honey."

A part of me was really looking forward to meeting Ben's mother and spending time with her. I'd never felt so good. Just maybe I could change this life of mine. Thank you God! I'm ready! But as for tonight I was going to be around folks who helped me to survive this far I was determined to have a ball with that 'family' tonight. I'd decided to wear my black skinny jeans, a black low cut fitted shirt and my heels. I wanted to look good on my way out of the life,

It was about midnight as pulled into Carmen's driveway. I didn't even have to look around, because it was so late and I knew it was safe. Carmen met me at the door and we were off .

"Hey what's up" I said when she got in the car.

"Nothing. I'm really glad you decided to hang out tonight. Sorry for my stuff earlier. I think what your doing is crazy and I don't want to see you get hurt or anyone else. But we've been girls for a long time so whatever you want to do, be happy. Now, understand this is pre-alcohol talk and as you know before the night is over I'll be acting up about how wrong this is all over again."

We both laughed and I said "I know you have my interest in mind and I appreciate that."

I turned up the music in the car, and we talked and laughed and before we knew it we were at The Waterfront. It was packed. It took fifteen minutes to find parking, and the line to get in was wrapped around the place. As we got out of the car and walked through the parking lot we saw Iran and some of the guys. Donna and some others were already in line. We stared hugging as if we hadn't just spent time together a few hours ago. As always with Iran, we went straight to the front of the line. He whispered something into the bouncer's ear and we were in. Iran was the man. He had connections, and we all tailgated in behind him.

The place was hopping with people of all different shapes and sizes and ethnicity. And the eye candy was out tonight. The place was jammed packed because it was finials night. The Waterfront had a female impersonation contest each week and last Friday of each month the final contest would be held with a cash reward. It was so entertaining to see the Patti Labelles, Donna Summers, Jenifer Holidays and Gloria Gaynors preform. It was standing room only. We made our way to the bar and ordered our usual margaritas. As I looked around I saw a few faces I hadn't seen in years and many I hadn't seen since I quite going to the clubs. Folks were dancing and having a ball. It felt so good because I became me. If I wanted to flirt, hug, kiss or hold someone, it was all good. That's why I loved it so much and cautiously I was feeling right at home. Before I could finish my drink another one was coming my way. Donna grabbed my hand and said "Lets go baby, one dance." We went to the dance floor and danced for five songs straight. I was feeling it. While we were on the floor a few girls tried to make their way over, but Donna and Iran were having none of it. They were running major interference for me. After two more songs I was exhausted and left the dance floor to get some water. I spotted Carmen at the bar and went over to where she and some people were standing.

"Hey Em" Carmen said with her drink up in the air. "let me introduce you to some kids I met at a party a few weeks back. This is Rachael, Ashley and Maya."

Wow she was gorgeous. Just about Five foot six with long dark curly hair, beautiful brown eyes. My mouth hung open. She had on a black dress that stuck like glue. She was beautiful...Maya I said in my head. I shook my head and got my act together I was done with the gay life. So I said hello to her and everyone else.

Carmen said "We're celebrating Emily's...uh...let's just say going away."

"Oh are you leaving town?" Maya asked

"I guess you can say" I replied

"Well good luck girl"

Carmen, Richard and Ashley headed to the dance floor. As I stood next to that women my heart began to pound. She was absolutely flawless.

"So is your job relocating?" She asked

"Not exactly..."

"I'm sorry I don't mean to pry, I just wondering. There is no need to tell me"

"I'm getting married" I blurted.

"Oh a commitment ceremony."

"No, I'm marrying a man"

"Oh, I see. Well congratulations and bets of luck."

"Thanks. They wanted to being me out for old times' sake."

"Well let me buy you a congratulatory drink."

"Thanks, but you don't have to."

There was something about her that was different. She seemed so genuine. The whole time we were talking she was looking me straight in the eye, as if she was looking through me watching my heart beat out of control. All of a sudden I didn't know what to do or how to act. I felt as if I was a thirteen year old girl with a crush. This couldn't be happening. A voice within me said "Come one Emily, get it together, regroup."

"No I insist." She said smiling

"Okay if you insist. I'll have a margarita."

"So Emily, How long have u been engaged?"

I smiled embarrassed "Well, for a couple of days."

"Oh, I see"

"You must think I'm some kind of mixed nuts."

"Why would I think that?"

"Here I am soon to be married and in a gay nightclub"

"I can think of a lot of other things that would make you mixed nuts besides hanging out at a gay club. I don't judge people. You do what you have to do in this life and be happy, cause tomorrow isn't promised."

"Thanks, Maya I needed to hear that."

"Hey let's go out back, I can't hardly hear myself think in here" Maya said

"Okay"

She grabbed my hand and led the way out to the back of the club and out the door. We sat on the patio and I had the opportunity to see her without the artificial light. She was truly gorgeous. It's not like I'd never seen a beautiful women before, it's just there was something different about Maya that made me feel all warm inside. I asked how long has she been in the life.

"Not long, I've only had one relationship with a women, but I do believe I was born gay. I can honestly say I've never been attracted to or slept with a man. But I'd been doing what I was told to do and trying to fit in. But that's over. I'm out to my family and anyone else who cares. I'm not sure if that answer your question."

"Well, yes and no."

"What don't you understand Emily?"

"You mean you just woke up one day and said, 'I'm going to tell my folks I'm lesbian ."

"That's about right. After my first relationship with this girl went south. I was devastated. I told my mother what I was going through. Told her I even at a early age I felt I was different. My dad died around the same time I was going through it with that relationship. So I never considered not telling my mother. She was all I had and besides we're very close."

"So she embraced you with open arms?"

"Absolutely not!" She laughed. "Let's just said she learned to live with it. She told me on a regular basis she didn't like the idea that I sleep with other women and do what I do.

"And your responds"

"I told her I don't sleep around with just any women and that I was sure her and my father's relationship wasn't based on sex. I told her I love another human being like myself and I'm not a whore. I don't sleep around. I told her I'm the girl you raised to be a women and one day I'll find the women I'll love and spend the rest of my life with just as you and dad did until his death. You see Emily this whole club thing it's kind of new to me, but I I've got a good idea what it's all about. It's my outlet. I love to dance and see everyone here having a great time being them...not having to hide who they are, dancing and feeling free. And this is who I am and I love being around 'family'.

I just sat in awe of her. I was thinking Carmen had set this up and she wasn't real. This women was perfect and I knew perfect didn't exist, so something was definitely up. So I asked sarcastically "How did your father feel about his baby girl being a dyke?"

"First, of all to me 'dyke' is a derogatory term and it doesn't describe me. As for my father, he worked so hard to keep us fed and clothed we never really spent a lot of time together. He died a very strong and proud man, and the topic of my sex life never came up. But if he was alive today he'd know" she paused "Look I'm in my last year of school. I'm studying Political Science and French. My plan is to set this world on fire. By the time I leave this earth people will remember Maya St. Germain. I don't have a lot of time because of school so when I do get a chance to get out, I make the best of it. You seem like a real nice person. Maybe we can keep in contact and have lunch sometime...no strings attached. I respect where you are in your life."

Maya's intellect made her appear even more attractive than her looks and she was serious about who she was. She was the person I wanted to be. Everything inside me began to twist and turn and I had a knot in my throat the size of a tennis. I felt as if I couldn't swallow. A part of me wanted to get up and walk away and never look back. But I ask myself,do I run away from every gay women I come in contact with? I needed to deal with this. I knew what I was doing was right despite Maya making perfect sense with her life. My life was different.

I hesitated before speaking but I told her "Lunch would be fine."

"Good. Here is my number, call me whenever." Then she said "Let me get you back to the party."

We walked back inside the club. I was still in shock, I'd never met anyone like her. She actually gave a damn about her life. She didn't just exist, she was living! But thank God she didn't try to make any moves on me, because I'm not sure I could've resisted. Maya told me to tell Carmen and the gang goodnight. She said "I hope to hear from you soon, or at least get an invite to your wedding." She smiled and walked off into a cloud of smoke.

I looked for Carmen on the crowed dance floor. We danced to a few more songs and laughed all night. I was having a ball, Yet Maya never left my mind. Before we realized it they were turning the lights on inside the club.

Iran said "Damn we've done it again closed down another club. Well folks I'm out. Some of us have to work for a living!"

It was 6:00 a.m and Iran had his first appointment at 8:00. No big deal. That was how it was on club night. Work hard, play hard and if you can't get up then you shouldn't get down.

As I drove Carmen home she fell asleep, which was good because I really didn't want to hear her talking about my marriage plans. On the other hand I did want to know more about Maya.

A/N Okay I know it seemed like Maya was all supprotive about Emily getting married...I promise this will have a happy ending :) So WHATEVER happens in this story just know at the end the finial chapter is will make you all happy :)


	9. Lunch

WOW YOU GUYS THANK YOU

FOR ALL THE REVIEWS! :)

It was Monday morning and I was packing for Virginia. Ben lived in Alexandria, a suburb outside of Washington, DC. Ben suggested I pack a sweater and a jacket because it was in the fifties in Virginia. While I was packing I wanted desperately to call Carmen and ask her more about Maya. On the other hand, I didn't want to open up that can of worms with her. So I figured I'd take Maya up on her lunch offer and see if this women was for real. Not that it would change anything. I began looking through the purse I had that night and found her number written on a piece of paper. I sat on on my bad and stared at the number for a few minutes. What was I doing? Why was I even thinking about calling Maya? Part of me knew why. The other part was ashamed I was even considering it. But what would lunch hurt? Besides I'd found her very interesting. And most of all she knew where I stood with this gay life. I was secure enough to tell her and anyone else that I was marrying Ben.

When I picked up the phone it was about 9:00 a.m I dialed the number written on the paper. A man answered the phone.

"Hello, may I speak to Maya please?"

"May I ask who's calling?"

"Emily."

"Hold on one sec."

I heard him yelling in the background. Then I heard Maya say "Hello, Emily what's up sweetie? How are you?

"I'm fine...I was hoping we could get together for lunch tomorrow?"

"Well I have class in the morning and I need to do some stuff for my mother afterwards. Your welcome to meet me at school if you like."

"Umm sure...what school and what time"

"University of Pennsylvania" she said "Meet me in front of the HR building around four."

"Okay that'll work"

As soon as I hung up the phone I wondered if this was cheating on Ben. In my heart I felt I wasn't but my soul was once again unsettled. I just don't understand, Everything in my life was going perfect. Ben came at the right time and now we were getting married. But then Maya showed up? Why now? Why do I even care so much?

For some reason I didn't have the energy to get up. I felt sluggish, and the Tuesday morning fog did not help much. I seriously considered not going to work. I had the same dream I'd been having for as long as I could remember. The one about someone trying to kill me and me running for my life. I never died in any of my dreams. I either killed the person or woke up terrified and in a cold sweat. What I was running from I wasn't sure. I sat on my bed trying to gather myself and slow my heartbeat. I took a couple of deep breath and got into the shower. For some reason it took me forever to find something to wear. I rarely had that problem. I was a low maintenance kind of girl. But today...today was different. I just stared into my closet. Was I so concerned this morning because I was going to see Maya? I can't believe I'm going through this. Come on girl, get it together! I looked in the mirror and I said to myself "Today is no different then any other day." I got dress and was on my way.

I was starting to feel a little nervous about meeting Maya. I wasn't sure why, but if I searched my soul deep enough I'd easily find the reason. Soul searching wasn't a place I went often. I was once told the truth lies there. It took me about an hour to get to the University and about another ten minutes to find the HR building. When I looked at my watch it was 4:15. She was no where to be found. I drove around for a few minutes, and parked in the HR lot. It was almost 4:30 and no Maya. Did she leave? I got out the car to stretch my legs when I heard someone yelling my name. I looked around and saw no one. Suddenly I saw Maya walking towards me. My heart began to race and I was smiling from ear to ear. I was blushing the closer she got to me. Before I knew it she was right in front of me. I reached out for her hand but she pulled me towards her in a welcoming embrace.

"I'm sorry I made you wait, but I had to stay behind and ask the professor some questions."

"Not a problem." I said "I haven't been waiting long."

"Well, what do you have a taste for?"

"Anything that is nearby."

"There is a pretty good restaurant a few blocks over. We can walk if that's okay with you."

I said yes, although I wasn't sure if I could move from the spot I was standing in. No women had ever made me feel like this. I quickly gather myself, and we began walking down the crowded sidewalks. We didn't say much on the way; It was difficult to maneuver our way through the crowd. Maya said they had some kind of rally going on at the school and it was just ending. We finally reached a restaurant called The Grub, Maya opened the door told the hostess she wanted a seat for two. we were seated immediately.

"How have you been? You look great." She said

"I'm well, and thank you. How are your classes coming along?"

"Good and bad, girl." She said while shacking her head. "You know how school is. Since my father died things have been difficult. I moved back home to help my mom out. There's only three of us left at home now and my younger brothers are still in high school."

"Sounds like you're a busy lady."

"I try to be that way. Keeps me out if trouble," she said with a half smile. "So Emily when is the big day?"

I almost said what big day? I was so removed from my wedding and Ben in that moment. After a few seconds I finally answered "Well we haven't decided yet. We're in the planning stages."

"Tell me about your man. I always wanted to meet a man who could make a lesbian go straight. He must have really put it on you!"

"Actually I decided to change my life before I met my fiance. As far as him rocking my world, yes his spirit and his enthusiasm for life."

The waiter came to the table and took our orders. I ordered a margarita and the explosive taco shell salad. Maya order water with lemon and Alfredo chicken pasta.

I was no longer nervous, as a matter of fact I was very relaxed in her company. She was so easy to talk to.

"So...have you ever been in love?" I asked.

"Well, that's complicated. I thought I was but when things got sour my partner didn't fight to keep the relationship together. I guess I didn't do enough either. So that's how that ended."

"That's it?"

"Let's just say she wasn't sure of herself. She didn't know how to love me out of the closet and I wasn't patient. I didn't understand then that everyone has to come to terms in their own time. The thought of hiding the person I love from the people I love, I just didn't get that. I was happy and ready to tell the world and she wasn't.

I loved hearing Maya talk. She was so passionate and certain about the way she felt.

"I may be young Emily, but I'm not waiting until I'm thirty or forty to get what this life is about. I don't have time to 'try and find myself' and all that stuff. But I'll understand my purpose, affect lives, have a life with a special lady and move on to whatever's next. No human being that breaths the same air I breath and had the same red blood running through their veins will tell me how to live. My dad died in my arms. I saw the life leave his body. When you witness that, Emily life begins to make sense and you grow up fast. You wake up every day and before your feet hit the ground you say 'Yesterday had happen, tomorrow is just an idea, but for this day I live.' I rarely have doubts. I know what I want, when I want it, and most of all I know how to get it."

"And what is it you want?" I asked, and I think I was blushing.

Maya laughed and said "Wouldn't you like to know."

Just then the waiter came with our food. When he left, I decided to come right out and see where this was going. "Are you flirting with a soon to be married women?"

She wiped her mouth with her napkin and smiled. "Hold on Emily, you appear to be a nice person and I totally respect your choice and your life. If the situation were different, meaning if I'd gotten hold of you before your man did, then of course you'd be mine. But since things didn't happen that way, I think we can still be friends."

I was speechless. Once again this women had stopped me in my tracks. Everything she thought just flowed out her mouth. Ms. St. Germain had it going on, and she knew it. She took a drink of water and continued.

"Let me tell it to you like this Em, I don't play mind games. You'll notice I usually say what's on my mind. Yes I'm attracted to you. I was attracted to you the first time I laid my eyes on you. I had a good feeling before I even knew your name that we'd be together. But when I found out you were getting married and going through some changes in your life, I felt compassion for you. I realized how difficult things must be for you. For someone to have change who they are and pretend to be someone they're not. To choose to live the rest of your life that way must be difficult. It's not like changing an attitude or an emotion. You're talking about being another person. The bottom line is, I think you're classy and everybody should seek happiness. And if marrying a man will do it for you, then I sincerely wish you the best."

The thought of Maya saying she was attracted to me and felt we could be together made me wonder where had she been all my life. Then reality set in and I started thinking about my family and Ben. What was going on in my soul right then was tying my stomach in knots. I couldn't take another bite of my food. I wiped my mouth and placed my napkin on my half finish plate. I told Maya I was very impressed with her and that her openness was refreshing. I also told her in another day and time we probably could've gotten together. But my time had passed even though I thought she was the best thing since Captain Crunch Cereal. I told her she was beginning to awaken something in me, and before we went any further I wasn't sure if I could see her again.

"I can respect that. I was hoping if all else fail at least I could have a lunch buddy every now and then."

I smiled "I could use a friend right now too. Somebody who won't judge me, just support me. None of my friends really do right now. They say they do, but I can tell they're saying it because it's the right thing to say."

"Well, let me put it this way. I won't do anything you don't want me to do. I'll always respect your wishes. I know it may seem like I'm flirting, but that's just the way I am. I wish you well and I hope you'll consider me a friend." She said with a smile. "So when will I get a chance to meet this mo-name man?"

"His name is Ben and I'm not sure. I'll be leaving tomorrow to visit him in Virginia for a few days. I should be back Sunday."

"Oh he lives in Virginia. Where will the wedding be?"

"More than likely here. He is originally form here so most of his friends and family still live here."

Maya finished the last of her water. "Well it's getting late and I need to get some studying done and you need to prepare for your visit with your man."

She reached for her purse to pay the bill, but I stopped her. "I got it Maya. I know how it's like to be in school. Besides I really enjoyed your company."

Maya stood up and stared into my eyes "Okay, it's on me next time if I'm lucky." She smiled "Emily please don't take this the wrong way it's just an observation, but when I look into your eyes I see your wold and I know what you really want."

I said nothing. I inhaled deeply got up and we left the restaurant and walked back to my car. We talked about how much we enjoyed each other's company and she wished me a safe trip. Just as I was getting in my car a women approached Maya and asked her if she was ready. Maya introduced me to her. Her name was Vanessa.

"Nice to meet you" I said then started my car and pulled out of the parking lot.

On my way home I kept wondering who Vanessa was. She appeared to be in her late twenties or early thirties. She was average looking and very petite. She was dressed in a suite, and I assumed she worked at the school. Who else could she be? And more importantly why did it matter?


	10. Ben

**I'M REALLY HAPPY EVERYONE IS ENJOYING THIS FANFIC :)**

**OKAY SO SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THIS CHAPTER . IT HAS TO HAPPEN BECUASE IT'S LIFE AND BECAUSE OF A FUTURE CHAPTER. SO THAT BEING SAID ENJOY! **

It was Wednesday afternoon and I was just getting in from work. Dad was going to take me to the airport. My flight was scheduled to leave at 6:00 and it was about 3:00 so we were doing pretty well with time. I was already packed and ready, but needed to call Ben to confirm the plans. He told me he will be working late, and probably be leaving work. I called him at work and the receptionist put me through to him.

"Hi Ben"

"Hey baby, are you ready?"

"Yes, I was calling to confirm. I should be in around eight-thirty or so"

"I know I have it all written down and I can't wait to see you. I really missed you. I have been thinking about us a lot lately.

"What about?"

"Just how I believe I'm the luckiest man in the world to be marrying a women like you. I don't know what I did to deserve you but I thank God for you. I want our wedding day to be everything you imagined it would be."

"Ben you make me feel like anything is possible."

"And that's how you should feel, because with me baby the sky is the limit."

"Well honey we have a lot of planning to do."

"I know and it will be wonderful. I can't wait to see you walking down the aisle to me. You're going to be a beautiful bride."

"Thank you, honey and I love you for saying that. Now I need to go take care of a few things before I miss my flight."

"Okay baby, have a safe flight and I'll see you later.

When he hung up I felt great for a split second. For the first time that day I wasn't thinking about Maya or out lunch date. I figured I'd call both her and Carmen before I left. I hadn't talk to Carmen since the night I met Maya at the club. I thought I'll call to say hello...and see if she has talked to Maya at all since the the night. I picked up the phone.

"Hey, Carmen what's up?"

"Nothing, girl just sitting here reading the paper. What's going on?"

"Nothing much. I'm getting ready to leave Virginia."

"Here we go. How long will you be gone?" She sighed

"I'll be back on Sunday. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Have fun with you man."

"Carmen when are you going to stop trippin about this?"

"What do you want from me Emily? You want me to be happy about this? Okay wonderful, fantastic, great I'm happy! I hope you don't get knocked up."

"Whatever. I'm not going to get knocked up" I said that as if that was impossible.

"Well, you never know"

"I'm not worrying about that... Hey Carmen umm tell me again how you meet Maya?"

"Why?"

"Just curious."

"Like I told that night, I met her at a party. She's good people and for a college chick she has it all together."

"What do you know about her?"

"I know you shouldn't be worrying about her. " Carmen said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"All I'm saying is go see your man and don't worry about Maya."

"Why? Are you interested?"

"No, and if I was, what's it to you?"

"Why are you being a smart ass?" I really didn't want to get into it with Carmen, but that's where it was leading up to.

"Looking out for you girl. Don't want you to 'relapse'."

This conversation was a mistake and one I knew I'd live to regret. "Look Carmen, I'll call you when I get back."

"Okay, be good." She laughed as she hung up the phone.

I thought about calling Maya, but for what? What was I going to say that I hadn't already said? I wanted to get to the airport, get on the plane and rest my mind.

I took a quick shower, got dressed and took my suitcase to the car. Jade was watching TV, and mother was on the phone. It was not 4:30 and I was beginning to feel anxious. Dad came home in enough time to put his bags down and say hello to his wife. I gave mother a hug and told her I'd see her on Sunday. Without hanging up the phone she said "Have a safe trip, Emily."

Jade was walking to the door. I looked at her and said "Are you coming with us?"

"Yes, do you mind?"

Jade and I had gotten more distant since the time at the gym. I wondered why she even wanted to come, but I was glad she did. When we were in the car and on out way I asked her where she been lately. But I knew I was the one that hadn't been home much.

"Just around." She said.

"What's wrong Jade? You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Dad said she won't be fine if she doesn't bring her grades up so she can go to college, "You need to get serious baby girl."

"Don't worry I'll be okay."

"Okay isn't good enough these days," Dad said trying to look back at Jade and drive at the same time. "You need to spend more time with the books instead of the boys."

He always said we'd have plenty time for boys. I knew Jade was beginning to make a name for herself with the guys and it's not a god one. She thought she owned Rosewood High since she was the captain of the cheerleading team. I thought she was spending so much time with guys because of the rumors about me. I decided I'd spend some time with her when I got back.

On the plane, I finally felt as if I could take a moment to reflect on my upcoming wedding and life. I was really excited about seeing Ben, but I had to admit I was equally excited about each moment I'd spent with Maya and the possibility of seeing her when I got back. I really felt she and I could be friends. Although she flirted in subtle ways, I didn't feel any pressure from her. As long as I was in control I knew I could handle Maya. But the minute I let my guard down it could get dangerous.

The plane landed I was getting nervous. I grabbed my carry-on bag and headed to the baggage claim area. I was looking around for Ben. I looked outside and noticed how calm it looked. It was fall and the leaves had already changed colors. I grabbed both my bags and headed for the automatic doors. As soon as I walked out the doors I saw Ben walking towards me. He ran over to me and I jumped into his arms.

"Oh, baby I'm so glad to see you!" He said

"I'm glad to see you too," I responded with equal joy.

"How was your flight?"

"Great honey" I said as I kissed him gently on the lips.

As we drove from the airport Ben pointed out different landmarks and things for me to remember. Virginia was so quite and still. There was no wind or rain just calm. Beautiful fall leaves were everywhere and the tress looked naked and afraid as they embraced the winter.

"So what are the plans for the weekend?" I asked

"Well we're going back to my place to relax for the rest of the evening and decide on a wedding date. Tomorrow I've planned a dinner with my parents. Friday I guess we can go over the plans for the wedding. Saturday is just for us."

It only took us about twenty minutes to get from the airport to his place. As we pulled into the parking lot he asked if I was hungry. I hadn't eaten since that afternoon, but my stomach was in knots and couldn't eat if I wanted I told him I wasn't hungry, and he grabbed my bags from the trunk. Ben led me up a flight of stairs and opened the door to apartment 202. He turned the lights on, and put my bags on the floor. He had a few unlit candles out, and the apartment smelled of fine musk. The hardwood floor shone as if they'd never been stepped on. There wasn't a thing out of place. He had a few books and the latest GQ and Time magazine on the coffee table.

He showed me his office, then motioned me to follow him to a door that was closed. As he opened it a seductive smile crept upon his face.

"Emily honey this is out bedroom."

Ben's bedroom was burgundy and black. He manged to fit a queen-size be in the room nicely. A dresser and mirror sat to the left as you entered the room and there was a full bathroom to the right. There was a picture of me, and one of his family sitting on his nightstand. Next to his phone was an answering machine. He had some nice art on the walls and a small stereo that sat under his TV.

"Ben, you have such a nice place, and I'm so glad to be here."

"Well it's not much but it's mine or shall I say it's soon to be ours," He said "I'm going to take a shower a shower. It's been a long day. Make yourself at home. There is a bottle of Chardonnay on the counter, and the glasses are in the cabinet."

I still had this nervous feeling in my stomach, but now it was a good nervous. I went to the kitchen and opened the wine bottle. I poured myself a glass and walked to the balcony where I sat and sipped my wine. A few minutes later Ben came out the shower with just some silk boxers on. He looked like he just stepped out of an underwear ad. His stomach and chest were so defined it was as If I can count each muscle individually. As he stood in the living room I opened the sliding glass door and stepped inside. I walked to him and told him how good he looked. I'm sure the average women would've been all tingly by the sight of him, not to mention what was inside those boxers. But the only sensation I could stir up in body was fear.

Ben asked me if I was comfortable as I'm sure he saw the stress in my face.

"Yes honey. I'm very comfortable."

He took my hand and led me to the sofa. "Emily I've thought of no one but you since I left you, and I couldn't wait for this moment."

"And what moment is that?" I said coyly

"To be sitting next to the women who will be my wife, my best friend, and my partner for life."

I could think, Will I actually be the one to fulfill those things? Could I be all Ben wanted and needed? Maybe now I should tell him about my past. Does he love me enough to accept it? i wanted so much to tell him who he was marrying. I needed to find a way to start this marriage out with honesty. But how could I? The last right years of my life had been one big secret. Sneaking around lying to my family, not to mention living what some people would consider a sinful life.

I decide my past didn't matter as long as I remained committed to Ben. I looked at him and said "I consider myself extremely blessed to be the women you chose to spend the rest of your life with."

"We are both blessed honey," he said sipping his wine. "Do you have a date in mind?"

"Well, I was thinking about May or June a date next year."

Ben went into the kitchen and returned with a calendar. He turned to the back and said "Here choose a date."

I looked at the calendar and said "What about June twenty-second?"

"Sounds good to me," He said "I'm glad that's settled."

I was beginning to feel uneasy again. I hadn't been with a man for at least six years and the thought made me extremely uncomfortable. But I also knew it was a part of the process I loved Ben but not as I should, not as I was leading him to believe. But all I hoped the love that I do have for him will be enough to get me through this night and the rest of my life. I walked into the bedroom, started the shower and got in.

I'm sure it was going on twenty minutes and I was still in the shower. I heard Ben yell out to me "Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine. I'm coming out now."

"You should be good and clean by now. I thought I was going to have to send a rescue team in after you." He laughed

I came out the shower with my robe on. I planned to put something one, but I noticed Ben had set the mood. He had candles burning and Luther Vandross playing softly in the background. He stood standing by the edge of the bed facing me. He walked over to where I stood. He opened my robe and began to rub and kiss my body all over. He was so gentle with me, as if he knew how fragile I was. Nothing like what I'd experienced with other men. He actually looked me in my eyes.

I held him in his arms, then held his penis and began to stoke him softly in deliberately. I fantasized about pleasuring him but nothing was happening for me. He took my hand and led me to the bed. I sat down and he fell to his knees and begun kissing my inner thighs. As I lay back on the bed, I still wasn't ready for him, and I was beginning to panic. Then I thought of Maya, and shortly thereafter I felt all warm inside. In the next instant, I found myself doing what I thought was impossible pleasuring my man. We were now moving in sync. Although I didn't have an orgasm, it made me feel good that Ben was satisfied.

As I lay cuddled in his arm, he fell asleep. I could only stare at the ceiling with all kinds of thoughts running through my head. I was feeling a ton of guilt, knowing my arousal came with a thought of a women and not Ben. Something was definitely wrong with me. I closed my eyes and asked what kind of women I was and why this was so difficult. All I wanted to do was the right thing, but my body felt numb, as if I'd received something that wasn't for me. I felt I betrayed my own mind, body and soul.


	11. The Big Question

**SHORT BUT NEDDED! **

**ENJOY :) **

Before I knew it the sun was rising and I realized I'd been awake for more than twenty-four hours. About an hour later, my body gave into fatigue and I fell asleep.

I woke to the sell of bacon cooking and sounds of Berry White. When I walked into the living room, Ben was on the phone. A few seconds later he hung up and walked over to me. "Baby you were wonderful last night...all I anticipated."

"You were remarkable yourself honey." I said surprising myself. Embarrassed, I immediately changed the subject and asked what time would we be meeting his family.

"Around six, but I know what we can do while we wait."

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't think I can get myself going again. I wanted to be able to get ready for Ben without thinking about Maya. But felt I needed time to get there in my mind. He suggested we pick up where we left off last night or we could go see a show. Of course I opted for getting out the house

As I was sitting in the living room pretending to look through a magazine I began to get a little nervous about meeting Ben's mother. Ben often talked about her. He said she was a registered nurse ans was the most compassionate women he know next to me. He admitted he was a mama's boy. I met his father a few times, but never really had a chance to get to know him. The few times he seemed low-key. Never had much to say about anything.

So far my time in Virginia was going well and I wasn't going to allow nerves to spoil anything now, Ben told me me has a surprise me and that I know what it is soon. I tried to get it out of him but he wasn't budging. After a few moments of going back and forth with him, the doorbell rang. He looked at me and said "Can you get that? I'm going to finish getting dressed."

I looked through the peephole It looked like Sandra. I opened the door and to my surprise it was Sandra and Marcus.

"Come in." I said "What are you doing here?"

Sandra said "We're here for the big night."

"Wow, you guys didn't have to come."

"We just wanted to support you guys and besides I love Ben like a brother."

"I'm glad your're here. Come on in and sit down I'm making cranberry mimosas. Do you guys want something to drink?"

"Yes, we'll have what your having Emily" Sandra said as she followed me into the kitchen and Marcus found the closet mirror.

"What a wonderful surprise" I said

"Ben arranged the whole thing. He's so happy, Emily I've never seen him like this. He truly loves you."

"And I love him too."

"Can I ask you something?"

Here we go again. I wondered if Ben told Sandra about our conversation.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Well, this all happen so fast. I figured the two of you would hit it off. But are you sure you're ready to get married?"

Where was all this coming from? Sounded like Sandra knew more than she was leading on

"What's this all about? If I didn't love Ben I wouldn't be marrying him. Is there something you're trying to say to me?"

"I guess I was never good at beating around the bush. There was a rumor going around the neighborhood about you being a lesbian, and I was just wondering..."

"Wondering What?" I interrupted. "Am I a lesbian?"

"It's really none of my business and I know you wouldn't be marrying Ben if you were a lesbian."

I thought I'd live most of my teenage years and young adult years in the closet. But I swear everyone knew what I'd been trying to hide all my life. I didn't know what to tell Sandra. I was no longer that person. I wanted to tell the truth, but I couldn't take the chance that she might tell Ben.

"You're right, I wouldn't be marrying Ben if I was a lesbian. I'm glad to see you care so much about him. Ill do my best to make him happy," I said solemnly

"I know you will." She reached out and gave me a hug.

Sandra and I had hung out often since I met Ben. She never once mentioned any of this stuff before, so I was a little surprised. She often called me when her and Marcus were having issues. She told me I always knew what to say to make her hold onto her man. Go figure.

We made the forty-five minute drive to a really nice Italian restaurant called Ristorante Bonaroti. We walked into a restaurant and everyone was waiting. They all stood and clapped as Ben and I made our may to the table. Ben had a small area in the back of the restaurant reserved. The room was dimly lit with beautiful white roses everywhere. There was a women playing music on the piano and singing.

He walked me to his mother and said "Mom this is the lady I've been telling you about. The women that has my heart Emily Fields."

She stood up held my hand, looked me in my eyes and said "My son loves you very much. I wish the best for both of you."

"Thank you." I said as I gave her a hug. He then went on to make the other introductions, and everyone seemed excited to meet me. Sandra ans Marcus sat next to us. His best man Drew and His business partner Chris were there along with their spouses.

Ben looked a lot like his mother. They both had piercing eyes with defined cheekbones. His father short and on the thin side. He wore a suite that Ben told me he'd kept from his own engagement party.

Just before desert was served Ben stood up, reached into his pocket and said "Emily Fields I'm so glad and blessed that you've entered my life. You're a remarkable women, and I plan to keep you that way. Will you marry me?" He then opened the ring box and presented it to me as he knelt on one knee. I looked at the half-carat diamond, took a deep breath and said "Yes!"

Everyone stood up and cheered as if we has just won an Oscar. I was feeling incredibly happy. I felt one step closer to being a "real" women. Ben and I eventually left the restaurant and drove into Washington. We walked along the Potomac then ended up having a few drinks at a local bar. We talked about my life, his life and the possibility of children. We decided that after the wedding I'd move to Virginia. I don't think there was a topic we didn't cover that night, and I felt if I was ever going to tell Ben about my past, it was now or never. But I couldn't gather enough nerve to tell him. I have came close many times. I just didn't know where to begin. Should I say 'Ben I use to be a lesbian, then decided I didn't want to anymore?' That sounded really stupid, and so did every other line I tried to imagine. I didn't remember deciding to be a lesbian, so how could I decide not to be?

Once again I didn't seize the moment, but told myself it didn't matter. We finally made are way back home. It was close to 2:00 in the morning and we were both exhausted, We spent Friday shopping and looking at wedding bands. We also decided on the colors for the wedding, invitations, partial guest list, and their families, we were having a difficult time keeping it under 300 guest.

My last night in Virginia ended with Ben and I making love until the early morning hours. I still wasn't able to get aroused by him. It was only when I thought of Maya that I was able to make love to him

A/N THIS WAS NOT THE CHAPTER I WAS TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID "FUTURE CHAPTER" IN MY LAST UPDATE LOL. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW IN CASE MY LAST PARAGRAPH CONFUSED YOU.


	12. BLP

It was Sunday evening and I was telling my parents about my trip and how Ben proposed to me. They looked at the pictures we took, and I discussed some of the plans we made. I told mother that Ben would be in town next month and we'd go over to the wedding plans and details. My parents were really excited and were already planning engagement parties and other events. Jade wasn't in yet. I act dad where she was this late on a Sunday. He seemed worried.

"I don't know honey you need to talk to her and spend some time with that girl she's been acting very strange and distant lately."

mother said. "you know she'll be a senior next year and has no clue what she wants to do beyond high school."

"Just give her some time. her heart is good and she'll be okay." I said. Then again I had no clue what was going on with her either.

I was really tired from the trip, both physically and mentally; all I wanted to do was sleep. I went to my bathroom took a shower and was out like a light. an hour later the phone awakened me. going after mother was knocking on my door. I rolled over, barely conscious and said,

"What is it?"

mother was so angry she could barely speak. "One of Jade's friends called and said she has been drinking and she cant drive home. Can you go and get her? If I go no telling what im a do!"

"Where is she?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. Some boy is on the phone."

"Okay I'll it." I said half asleep.

I spoke to some guy name Jerry. He gave me the address to where Jade was. I told him to take her keys and I'd be right over. It took me about thirty minutes to get to Jerry's house, and I was pissed Jade. Not for getting drunk, but for bringing it home. My philosophy had always been, do your dirt but never bring it home. What the folk didn't know wouldn't hurt them. I pulled up to a yard checking to see I had the right address. I noticed some guy waving at me from the porch with some other guy standing next to him. As I got out of the car, I noticed Jade at the side of the house bent over. I couldn't believe my eyes. My little sister! I'd never seen her like this. She always been so straight laced, always concerned about what people thought of her. I made sure she was finished throwing up, then I put her in the car. Jerry gave me her keys, and I thanked him for calling us. On my way home Jade mumbled something about how she was sorry, and did mom and dad know. I didn't respond to her questions, just asked if they hurt her. She said no. I knew she wouldn't comprehend much else, but I wanted to get clarity on that. When we got home I cleaned Jade up and put her to bed, then got into bed myself. It was going on to 2:00 in the morning. I was glad the folks would be off to work in the morning and wouldn't have much time to get on Jade's case. Since I was off it would give me a chance to see what was going with her.

By the time I woke up it was 11:00. I didn't mean to sleep so late. I got up and went to check on Jade. She wad still sleep. I went to put on a pot of coffee when the phone rang. It was Carmen.

"Hey what's up?"

"You girl. How was your trip?"

"It was good. I had a great time."

"Good for you. So did you guys set a date?"

"We're looking at June twenty-second next year," I said. "Have you talked to Maya lately?"

"As a matter of fact we all hung out Saturday night."

"Ohh, where did you go?"

"We went to Iran's house and had a great time. You know Emily, I really miss hanging out with you. I understand what you'rw trying to do, but it's not the same without you."

"I miss you guys too, but..."

"Maya was asking a lot of questions about you."

I didn't say anything for a moment.

"Hello Emily?"

"Yea sorry about that. So um questions like what?"

"Like are you serious about getting married, and what brought about this change."

"What did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything. Besides I don't have any answers that make sense. I told her if she really wanted to know she needed to ask you herself. I'm not racking my brain anymore. Maya said she probably wouldn't. She was just curious. If you want to know what I think, I think the chick really likes you. Despite your issues."

"We went to lunch before I left and had a really good time. She seems to be a really decent person."

Just as Carmen was about to respond, Jade staggered in holding her head. I told Carmen I'd call her later. Then I looked at Jade and said "Looks like you had a wild night."

"Mom and dad are going to kill me, she groaned."Why can't I ever do anything right for them?"

"What are you talking about? All they want you to do is go to school and be somebody in life so you won't have to struggle. What's so hard about that?"

"I'm not you! I'm not Ms. Perfect!"

"Then don't try to be me. Be you. And I'm NOT perfect despite what you think. Stop playing games and tell me what's wrong."

"I don't know, Emily and I'm going back to bed. I need my rest before mom gets home and get on my case.

"Well, you've given her every right to treat you like a two-year old."

Jade turned around as she walked down the hallway. "What are you talking about Emily? Do you think you're the only person in this house? Like you've never messed up. Your whole life is messed up!"

I couldn't believe she was talking to me like this. I didn't even look at her.

"Look like a said before I never said I was perfect, and I think you better go back to bed."

Jade walked away and I was left standing there in amazement. I was trying to figure out where all this was coming from. I was really feeling stressed between the whole sex thing with Ben, Carmen tripping about my wedding, Maya coming out of nowhere and now Jade going through these changes.

I was still a little tired, but i didnt feel if I laid down l'll get much rest. So ... I decide to go to the gym. I took a chance calling maya to see if maybe she wanted to come with me. I called her house and she answered the phone.

"Hi Maya its Emily."

"Oh hey Emily, how are you and how was your trip?"

"Real good. But I came home last night to a little drama."

"What happen" Maya said with concern.

"My lil sister got drunk and I had to go pick her up late last night from some guy house." Emily said a bit annoyed with the situation.

"How old is she?"

"Seventeen."

"Hm well you know what seventeen is like."

"Yeah, but I also think something else is going on with her."

"Did you ask her?"

Emily took a brief moment before she answered.

"She won't really talk to me. It's as if she's blaming me for whatever's wrong with her life." Emily sighed in frustration. "Whatever, I didn't call to bore you with family stuff. I thought maybe you would like to go to the gym"

Emily knew Maya wasn't the gym type of girl but she ask anyway..doesn't hurt to ask right? Maybe something good may come out of it.

"The family stuff is important Emily. I love that you feel comfortable enough to share your family drama to me I'm always here for you Em."

Emily smiled..hard.

Maya then went on saying "And you're not boring me you could never. And Em I think you and I both know I'm not a gym type of girl. But if you want to swing by afterwards I'd enjoy the company."

"Okay yea, just give me the directions and I'll be over in about an hour or so."

"Great see you then."

I went to the gym and tried hard to concentrate. But there was too much on my mind. Ben, Carmen,Jade. But most, I couldn't wait to see Maya. Soon I was in the showered and was on my way.

I didn't realize she lived so close to the gym, it took fifteen minutes to get to her house. I pulled up to a light blue house with an amazing garden. The neighbor hood was very quite. I knocked on the door and Maya answered.

"So, you found it with no problem I hope."

"Directions were perfect."

"Come in. Can I get you something to drink..water, cranberry juice, OJ?"

"Water is fine." I said when I could've really used a mid day mimosa.

Maya had music blasting from one of the rooms in the back. She gave me a quick tour of her house. It felt homey. I took a seat on the sofa, Maya came back with my water handed it to me and sat in the chair next to it.

"So tell me tell me about your trip."

"Well it went really well. I met Ben's family, and he proposed to me in front of his family and friends." I showed her my ring. "We had a great weekend...and I'm lucky to be marrying a man like him." She said as she sips her water, then place it down on the coffee table in front of her.

"Did you tell him anything about you?" Maya said

"What do you mean?" I asked as if I didn't know.

"You know exactly what I mean. Did you tell him about your change?"

"No" I said "Why would I? Maya I've moved on with my life."

"Well if you love him as you say you do, he has a right to know. It's only fair. You should go into marriage with the truth. Give him a chance to decide if he still wants to be with you. But he does have a right to know Emily."

"No one needs to know everything about anyone."

Maya ignored that and asked "So when's the big day, and am I going to get an invite?"

"June twenty-second. And of course you're welcome."

"But will I get invite. And that's kind of soon, seven months from now. I thought you guys just met," she said "What's the rush?"

"Yes, you will get invite. And we don't think it's soon at all. What are we waiting for anyway?"

Once again she ignored me, and I didn't press it. Despite out conversation I always felt special in her presence. She told me she had something she wanted me to see. She left the room and returned with this large drawing pad. Instead of returning to her chair, she sat on the sofa next to me and said,

"What do you think of these...and be honest. Don't just say you like them because you love me. Give me your real opinion."

What she said about love didn't register right away. I looked closely at her drawings and thought they were good. She had pictures of Dorothy Dandridge, Billie Holliday, and Josephine Baker. That trio itself led me to believe that Maya had an old but wise soul. It was difficult to concentrate because she was sitting so close to me. She must have read my mind because she asked rather slyly "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

She had this subtle way of flirting and dropping hints. I had to acknowledge that I was very attracted to this women.

"No I'm not uncomfortable. I'm here because I think we can be friends. I mean I'd be lying to you if I said i don't like you sitting to close to me. I like being around you. I like your vibe, but no I don't feel threatened..."

Maya looked at me as if I'd just fed her a line of crap. Even I didn't know what the hell I was talking. Maybe it was just me being damn nervous that this beautiful women was sitting so close to. With that Maya said "Okay..So what do you really think of my drawings?"

There was one of two women embracing the earth, which was splitting apart. I asked her what it meant.

"I see this world falling apart and the strength and courage of women united by our faith, courage and resilience keeping it together. Don't get me wrong I'm not a man hater. But they've been in control for a long time. I'm going to be the first B.L.P."

"B.L.P." I asked in a questioning tone.

"Black Lesbian President, and if you're lucky you'll be first lady."

I just looked at her and we both laughed.

Then she said "Don't laugh I'm serious."

I quickly looked back at her drawings. "They're very good. You're extremely talented."

Maya smiled. "Thank you. This is what I do in my spare time, which isn't often.."

Suddenly out of no where I blurted "Maya, are you dating that woman who was waiting for you in the parking lot?"

Maya laughed and said "No she's just a good friend, like a mentor. She keeps me balanced. She's always been there for me and me for her."

"What type of balance? Does she knows you're a lesbian?" Emily said sarcastically.

"Yes she does. I know where you're going with this, but its not like that. Vanessa is not a lesbian." Then she smiled. "For somebody who's so determined to change you are definitely concerned with the company I keep."

"No that's not it at all. We've always talked about my personal life, I just thought i'd ask you what was happening with you."

We talked for a few more hours about where we'd been and where wanted to go. After talking to Maya I really believed she could be the first B.L.P. I was really enjoying her company, and out of nowhere she asked me if Ben and I made love. I told her that was personal and I really didn't want to discuss it. But the real answer was i didn't want Maya to know I had made "love" to Ben. What was I ashamed of? What was the big deal? And why did Maya want to know?

We talked a little politics and about the gay life. We debated whether or not the gay rights movement could compare to the civil rights movement. After all, discrimination is discrimination. Maya said "True, but the color of my skin was the basis of the hate then. Now, with the gay rights movement, it's not all about race. You can't look at a person and know if they're gay. So how can you know who to hate? You have to actually get to know them. You have to conceive of the person, love the person, work with the person, call them your brother, sister, grandchild, niece, nephew or best friend. Then once you find out they're gay then some people hate who they are. When it comes to race you can cross that out why? Because when they hate that's when everybody wanna come together as one. See Emily people believe the hate and discrimination is justified and that's the only similarity I see... I'm sorry for getting on my soapbox. I know you didn't come here to hear me give a lecture."

I smiled. Because when she spoke, She spoke with such poise and confident.

We talked more about her and her family and I told her all about my family. We then order pizza.

"When does your family get home?"

"My mother will be picking my brother up from football practice, then they're going shopping or something. So don't worry you will have me all to yourself."

"There you go again Maya being all flirtatious. Keep it up!" I said laughing

"No i'm just kidding." She said with the world's sexiest smile.

I then excused myself to go to the bathroom. Maya directed me down the hallway. As I came out of the bathroom, she came out of her room and we kind of meet each other in the narrow hallway. All in one motion she grabbed my arm and turn me to face her. She pushed me against the wall. She then reached around my neck and put her soft lips against mines. She kissed me with more warmth and passion than I'd ever felt in my life and I didn't want it to stop. So I grabbed her by the waist as I pushed her against the wall. Kissing her down her neck as her hands roamed under my shirt.

As her hands made their way to my breast, she squeezed them I moaned at the contact and the sensation I was feeling. She took my shirt off and kissed me adding her tongue making my body quiver. We only broke the kiss to take off her shirt. At this point I was kissing get down her neck..down her collarbone to the middle of her breast. "Emily" she moaned. as she wrapped her hands in my hair. I began unbuttoning her pants as she was taking off my bra and sucking on my left breast, as my hand made their way in her panties touching her very wet and headed center Maya moaned out loud "Ah Em" This causing emily body to quiver. Emily thought about how this..here with Maya didn't even come close when she made love to Ben. Oh shit Ben Emily said to herself in her head. With every little strength in her body that she had left she pulled away from maya. "Maya I..." Emily said quickly as she put on her bra and shirt. Maya did the same.

"Emily I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do."

"But-"

Emily cut her off "It's not your fault...look I've got to go. I'll call you later."

There was silence as I walked to the door. Neither of us knew what to say or where to go from there. But I had to get away from her right then.

I got in my car and drove around in traffic with my windows rolled down. It was either the hottest day in November or I was having an anxiety attack. This is my fault. I set myself up I could be around Maya and nothing would happen. So what happens now?

"WHAT NOW! I yelled at the top of my lunges, sweat dripping from my face.

I managed to gather myself, but didn't know what to do. I hadn't made it too far from Maya's house and not even knowing why I went back. I rang the doorbell. She answered and I said

"Maya I don't know why I came back here, and I don't know what to do..."

She looked at me and reached for my hand. She had no answer either. "Come in Emily you're soaking wet, let me get you a towel. Where did you go?"

"I drove around."

"Why are you soaked.?"

"I don't know." I said unable to look her in the face. "Maya who am I fooling? I've tried so hard to be the woman my family wants me to be. I graduated from college, I work, I don't do drugs and I'm trying to change. What else do they want from me? Why is this so difficult? Then just when I feel I'm at my strongest, I meet you. A woman I should've met years ago, a woman who cares about this world and her life. A woman who I can trust and who's not about playing games. Maya you're about as close to perfect as I'm ever going to see."

Maya smiled

"But" Emily continued and Maya's smile started to fade away. "But right now we can't be friends I don't trust me with you."

She looked me in my eyes and said "Emily you've been on my mind since you left to go see Ben. I love your vulnerability. I appreciate what you're trying to do regardless of how I feel about it. I want to be apart of your life because of that vulnerability. I could easily fall in love with you. If I had a chance to be everything Ben will be. The only difference is I'll be what you really want. A woman. One that'll love you like you always wanted."

I began to cry uncontrollably. I reached out to her and held on. I whispered in her ear, "Thank you for being you, and you'll always have my vote for president. Goodnight."

I walked out the door realizing I may never see her again. With a false sense of relief, I got in my car, turned on the air this time and drove off.

Thank you all for reading hope that you like it. :) Please review. And I thank you all for waiting..


	13. Liar

**So so so so sorry for the long wait, i finally got my laptop back! so that means now **

**i will be able to update this fanfic wayyy more often :) so sorry once again, hope you all are still interested in this **

**story because i have big plans for this. This chapter is nothing but Emily and Jade. Anyway thanks for reading, reviewing and waiting i really do appreciative it. and i hope everyone**

**had a wonderful holiday, so with that said enjoy this chapter! and please review. **

It had been a few week since i last saw and talked to Maya. I talked to Ben every day and prayed to God to keep me strong. Ben planned on coming to town next week so we could start on the wedding particular. It was almost six month before the wedding, I started spending time around the house and with my mother. We worked in thew garden and went shopping, we tried to get Jade to come along but she wanted no part of us and continued to be distant. I figured she was frustrated with the folks being on her case about school and the company she kept. But deep down inside I knew something else was eating at her. Jade was around older guys who didn't appear to have much going for them. Maybe they were beginning to be a problem for her. I took upon myself to go to Jerry's house. I suspected something happened the night she got drunk and I wanted , and I wanted to find out what it was. I drove by there one day after work and knocked on the door. A tall, elderly lady answered.

"Excuse me, ma'am my name is Emily Fields. Is Jerry home?"

"Just one moment." A few seconds later Jerry came to the door.

"Sorry to just drop by... do you remember me? I'm Jade's sister I picked her up the night she got drunk."

He paused for a moment gathering hos thoughts together. "Oh yeah, whats up?"

"Can you tell me what happen the night Jade got drunk?"

"Did you ask Jade?" He said with a bit of an attitude.

"Yes, I did and it's obvious she didn't want to tell me anything or else I wouldn't be standing right here." 'smart-ass' I said to myself.

He rolled his eyes and said "We were just hanging out."

"Well..how did she get so drunk?"

"She drank alcohol!" he said laughing

I was about to say something but he cut me off. I could tell h'e was getting irritated with me as I was with him. He sighed and said "Look, you should ask Jade. I don't want to get into any family stuff."

"Speaking of family stuff, I wonder what that lady who answered the door like to know what went on in her house that night?"

"Aw come on."

I hate to threaten this kid I barely knew, but he was getting on my nerves. "Look, Jade is my sister and I'm worried about her."

He looked at me and said "Okay, look we all went to the movies. Jade got into it with some chick there who said Jade had an abortion for John, who is this one chick boyfriend. She told Jade to stay away from her man, and that he didn't won't nothing to do with her. She said it in front of everybody. So we left the movies and John and Jade were arguing all the way here. She slapped him and he pushed her. He eventually left and I guess Jade tried to drink her problems away."

"My sister had an abortion? That's a lie!" I shouted. Then I remember giving her $350 a few moths ago for cheer leading uniforms. I thought it was strange that she didn't ask the folks but I didn't question it either.

"Hey, you asked me what happened and I told you."

As I walked back to my car, I turned around and said "Don't tell Jade we talked." I got in my car and drove off. I couldn't believe what I heard. My sister drinking, fighting with some guy and an abortion? This didn't sound like Jade. Could she be rebelling because all the attention I always got? My parents.. mainly my mom were so consumed with making sure I wouldn't become a lesbian that Jade got very little attention at home. I often felt guilty and a bit selfish, i knew my sister needed me. I needed to try and find a way to reach out to her. I especially needed to find out about this abortion thing.

I finally made it home, and as usual mother was on the phone and dad was in the living room reading. I wanted to talk mother about Jade but felt I'd be betraying her. Whatever was going on with her I had to deal with myself. She needed to know she could trust me. Jade is angry at the world now. Angry all of a sudden almost around the time I returned home from school.

I knocked on on Jade's door. She opened it and it looked as if she'd been crying. "Hey Jade what's going on?"

"Nothing," She said. "I'm studying for some exams I have coming up."

I sat on her bed. "Jade...what was the other night about?"

"I had a little too much to drink," she said flipping through her book

"That's an understatement. When did you start drinking?"

"Don't worry, I'm not a drunk. Folks still mad at me?"

"I don't think they're mad, just disappointed. You know how they get."

"That's even worse. Disappointed can last for a long time."

"Listen, don't worry about the mom and dad they've been disappointed before. They'll be okay. But I want to know what's going on with you, and what went on that night."

Jade looked up and said, "Nothing. I got into an argument with a guy named John."

"Who's John?"

"Just some guy."

"Well what was the argument about that led you to get so drunk?"

"Some rumors about me and other guys." She shrugged and turned back to her book.

"Damn it Jade would you stop making me pull teeth! What rumors and what other guys?"

She sighed. "Because I can have any guy I want, I think the other girls get jealous and start rumors saying I'm a slut and a bitch."

"Why would they say that."

"Jealousy. Because their little boyfriends want me and I'm not so uptight."

"Are you having sex with these guys?"

"Yes and no."

"Are you using protection?"

"Yes and no."

"What the hell Jade! I can't believe you right now. Do you have any idea what's out there?"

"Yes I do and I usually use protection."

"Usually? Jade are you crazy? All it takes is once. There's syphilis, gonorrhea, not to mention AIDS! and do you want to get pregnant?"

"I'm not worrying about AIDS and penicillin will take care of the rest. Of course I don't want to get pregnant." She said as if she really believed what she was saying.

"Well, I'll be damned! Where did this carefree attitude about sex come from? Jade you're not being very smart as a matter of fact what you're doing is really stupid. You need to start respecting yourself and the guys will respect you and not treat like a slut."

"What do you know about guys?"

"What's that suppose to mean?" I asked I didn't want a repeat of the conversation we'd had the day at the gym.

"Just what I said. You've never had a real boyfriend. Sure you've had some guys over a couple of times to keep the folks quiet. But we both know what that's all about. Remember we're sisters. Then you come from home from college and a few months later you're talking about marrying some man you barely know. Mom and Dad maybe falling for that but I'm not!"

I was determined not to go off on her. I said "Look Jade I don't owe you any explanation for anything I do or have done. I'm my own person. As for Ben he makes me happy. I don't know what you're trying to imply, but I suggest you let it go!"

Her eyes were fixed and determined. I'd never seen her like this before. Jade stood up and closed her book. "What I'm 'trying to imply' Emily, is you're a lesbian and have been for as long as I've know you! You can fool dad and mom. because they want to be fooled. But you can't fool me you were a lesbian when you left and you're still a lesbian right now today! I know Emily because the kids at school said I was a lesbian too. Because of YOU I went through hell. Trying to defend you, the Fields name, and myself. Then I started putting the pieces together. You running away with , that letter from Morgan Resse, and Ms. Simone Daniels. She cringes at the mention of your name. There's no telling what happen to her. I know about it all. It all adds up! No need to keep lying to me. I may be young, but contrary to what you think, I'm not stupid, so you can stop treating me like I am!"

I's gone through too much in the last few days. Finally I said "Yes Jade i did have some problems dealing with my sexuality in the past, but I've changed. I wasn't happy then, but I am now. Ben makes me happy and life as a lesbian isn't right Jade. I've worked hard to be a different person. I love Ben and I am going to married him. And despite what you think, we will be happy."

Jade looked at me as if grateful i told her at least part of the truth. "Look Emily, I don't understand the gay stuff and as far as I know it's wrong. It goes against everything mom and dad taught us. Plus everything I've heard in church and in school. They all say it's wrong, and everybody can't be wrong. I don;t know but if you say it'd behind you then...okay."

Knowing Jade wasn't buying anything I said, " You believe what you want to. But remember, because you're majority doesn't always make you right." Then I said "Listen I want to be here for you. I want to be someone you can look up too. You. mom and dad are part of the reason for this change in me. Be careful. I know sex is fun and easy, but protect yourself. You're the only sister I have. Even though you think something can't happen to you, it can. I love you Jade."

"Why would I look up to a li-" she stopped and just smiled not a happy smile but more like i'm over this type of smile. I looked at her and she looked at me.

"I love you Jade." I said once again and walked out the room. I was glad to get out of there, I was so mentally drained with ll the lies. Even though today i told part of the truth i did feel some relief, but not even. I had no energy left, but i had t do what i had to do, because i am going to marry Ben regardless.

**A/N Oh and yes Maya & Carmen is in the next chapter and I should have the next chapter up no later then Thursday! **


	14. Mixed Nuts

**Thanks for the reviews! umm sorry for posting a couple days late some expected plans came up. I know where some of yall want the story to go. i get it lol but, i'm gonna take a different route to get there. i like a lot of drama... angst so to say, before we get to the love and what not. With that being said hope you enjoy this update. please review :) **

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I felt so guilty about what happen with Maya. I found myself calling Ben every day. I had to keep reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, and the more I talk to him the closer I felt. It was times when I was by myself with my thoughts that made me the most uncomfortable. With Ben coming to town on Saturday for the weekend, I wondered if I could even face him.

I'd spoken to Maya on the phone a few times since that day, just for a few minutes to see how she was doing. She wanted to see, but I couldn't bring myself to see her again. I was powerless in her presence and i knew it. Everything inside of me craved her.

My day at work went pretty fast, but I didn't feel like going home to a lot of drama. My parents were still angry at Jade plus I wasn't sure how she would react to our conversation last night. So where could I go? I didn't want to hear Carmen's smart mouth about how wrong my marriage was. The more I drove around the more I wanted to see Maya. But I eventually decided to go home. I'd thought I'll sneak in the house unnoticed. I needed time to myself, but as soon as I was I in my room I heard a knock at my door.

"Elise" my mother said as she came in. "Some women name Maya called you a couple times today."

My heart skipped a beat. "Okay, thanks" I said I knew my mother expected me to elaborate but I didn't feel like getting into anything with her.

"Do I know her?"

"No, mother I met her recently."

"From where?"

I couldn't handle this tonight. I felt like screaming. I've already sacrificed my being and my soul for this family. What more do they want form me?

"What do you mean from where? She's just somebody I met through a friend."

"Honey I don't mean to pry but I'm a little concerned..."

"Concerned? Concerned about what!" I said "Let me ease your mind. Maya is just a friend I don't know where you're going with this. Do you want to know if she's a lesbian? Is that what you're asking me?"

My folks would never asked the infamous "Are you a lesbian" question beside that one time when Morgan Reese sent that letter. She eventually decided to back off. She said "Honey, I want you to know if you need to talk to me about anything I'm here for you."

I thought yes, I do need to talk to you. I wanted to tell you sometimes when it hurts. Hurts so bad I want to die. That sometimes I want to run as far as I could and never look back because I don;t want to embarrass this family. And I desperately wanted my mother to talk to me. I wanted to give her a chance to look me in my eyes and say what I've heard so many people say "I love you. but I can't accepted this" or "It's going to take me some time to get use to this, but I still love you Emily." But I never gave her the chance because I was too afraid. I simply said, "Okay mother. I'll keep that in mind. Goodnight." I wonder what price I'll pay for my silence. I know I'm letting somebody down by not standing up for who I am. I just hope that, somebody won't have to pay the ultimate price for my selfishness.

It was Saturday morning and I was on my way to the airport to pick up Ben. Once again I felt compelled to tell him everything about my past, or shall i say my present situation. I f he loved me like he said he did he'd stand by me. I needed to believe he would, but i'm not sure I did.

I took Ben to his father's house so he could her settled. We deiced to meet later for lunch. Mother and I began going over the details for the wedding. I had no particular concerns about it. We chosen lavender with silver accents for our wedding colors. With Sandra and Mother's help I chose an off the shoulder chiffon dress with double bows in the back for the bridesmaids dress. My wedding dress was stunning. It was a long lavender sequin gown. The train was about eight feet long. Every time I tried it on I felt as if I'd transform into another person. I knew my mother would make sure my wedding day was as close to perfect as possible and I knew most of my "real" friends wouldn't be coming. I was fine with whatever she wanted to do But I couldn't help but think that Maya wanted an invite to the wedding, and a part of me really wanted her to come.

Since it would be a few hours before Ben and I met up, I figured I'd kill some time and go see Carmen. I pulled into her driveway and saw several cars. I could hear music coming from the backyard. I knocked on the door, as i walked in because the door was unlock I saw that all the gang was there. They stared congratulating me again and saying long time no see.

I asked "Where's Carmen?" A part of me was offended for not being invited to this party.

Lisa said "She's out back."

I made my way to the back yard. Carmen spotted me before I could spot her. She was a little tipsy and talking louder than usual. She said "Hey Emily, girlfriend, what brings you here?"

"Just thought I'd swing by to say hello."

"Well, mi casa es su casa. Have a drink and relax chica."

As I made my way to the bar, I heard a voice say "Well.. hello stranger"

Could it be?

I turned around and there I saw Maya. My heart began to pound, my thoughts immediately went back to out last encounter, my body began to feel warm. I almost dropped my freshly made cocktail. "M-Maya, Hi how are you." I ask kind of nervously.

Maya smirk as if she knew exactly what i was thinking and said "I'm doing fine Emily. Didn't expect to see you here."

Still trying not to feel nervous I said "No, I didn't expect to be here. I had some time on my hands and thought I'd come by to see Carmen. I haven't seem her in a while."

Maya nodded "Do you remember my friend Vanessa? You met her the day you came to the school."

Whoa! I didn't even see her standing there next to Maya. Was I thought focus and intrigued on Maya?

"Yes I do. Nice to meet you again." Why is she here with Maya?

There was something about her that was strange. I didn't like the way she always looked at me out of the corner of her eye. The lady looked sneaky.

I gave Vanessa a little light hug and made my way around to say hello to everyone. I said hi to old faces and some new faces I really miss hanging out with everyone. I also remember I was when I was the talk of the party. Carmen always saying this or that person wanted to meet me.

"So, how are the wedding plans coming along?" Carmen asked

"Fine everything is fine. You didn't tell me you were having a barbeque."

"Tell you for what? So you can tell me you don't want to be around us gay folks. Remember it was you who said you didn't want to be around us. So 'us' will just go on!"

For the first time since started this change I felt betrayed by Carmen. Even though I'd said those things I always expected her to want me around. Definitely not to exclude me from things. I know it was selfish but I wanted the opportunity to say no to her.

"Look Emily you made the decision to dismiss us. Now I don't like what you're doing and the reasons you're doing it, but it's your life. Don't ask me to pacify your ego.

Carmen was right. What nerve did I have even being here? My fiance was in town and I was hanging out here. This was no longer my life. I looked around for Maya so I can say goodbye, but she was nowhere to be found. I went inside and didn't see her.

As I walked to my car Maya got out of another car. When she saw me she asked "Leaving soon?"

"Yes, I don't belong here. I'll let you get back to your party."

"Just like that?" She looked surprised. She grabbed my hand and said "Let me say this to you Emily and once I do I'll have nothing else to say. There's something between us. I don't know what it is but it's real and it's not wrong. I've thought about you everyday and every hour of the day. I know you're getting married and I don't want to interfere with that. But what I do want is for you to think about your life. You know what you really want. Think about the life we could have. Be true to yourself Em. If you want to change something change it for you. Not for this world. But if you decide you want to be the Emily I see in those eyes, I'll go through the fire with you Em" She squeezed my hands tighter . "Every step of the way."

I swear anything sounded easy and possible when Maya said it I wanted so much to believe in her. I sort of did. I told her I needed to have her as part of my life, but she had to understand that no matter what was between us I was going to marry Ben. I also told her I devoted to changing my life. and that I couldn't give her much but I wanted to spend some time with her. I knew none of what I said to her was fair but it didn't matter to her.

She said."I know very little isn't much, but it's better than nothing. Please come by my house tomorrow."

Ben was in town There was no way I will be able to see her, but I told her i'd come by in the morning.

After Ben and I had lunch we went to my house and spent time with my parents. We talked more about the wedding plans and scheduled visits to various hotels. We had a wonderful time. Those moments mean the world to me. After a few hours I took Ben back to his father's house. He told me how much he adore my mother. He pretty much describe her as I did, as everyone's mother. Ben had work tomorrow so after church he was going to a meeting and planned a late flight back to Virginia.

When church was over I took Ben to his meeting and headed to see Maya. She was expecting me, and told me to come in, that no one would be home. She had Stevie Wonder playing in the background. The song was Part-time lover. Go Figure!

we talked and laughed for hours. We did some shopping and took a walk around the park. Maya made a fabulous lunch and we ended up on her bed holding each other. We didn't say much about the future and nothing happened sexually. I felt so safe in her arms, and for the moment I had no cares or worries. Maya said she told her mother about me.

"What did you say?" I asked

"I told her the truth."

"What did she say?" I sat up in the bed

She said 'Be careful baby. Sounds as if you're setting yourself up to be hurt.' "I told her she's was probably right but I couldn't help myself. I was helplessly in love. I told her you'd been completely honest with me, and I knew what to expect."

"She probably thinks I'm some kind of mixed nuts.. with raisins." I said shaking my head.

"No, my mother isn't like that. She thinks nothing because she doesn't know you, so she won't judge you. But trust me, after she meets you she'll have an opinion."

As we were talking the doorbell rang. Maya looked out the window and said it was Vanessa. She went to answer the door. Disgusted, I followed.

Vanessa stood there and said "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by. I hope it's not a bad time."

Maya told her to come in and have a seat. Vanessa was really starting to get on my nerves. She was always around.

I said "Hey, Vanessa what brings you by?"

"Hello Emily, didn't expect to see you here. Just passing through. How's the wedding coming along?"

"Just great, thanks for asking." I said bitterly as I try my hardest not to roll my eyes at this women.

"Wow must be nice. What are you calling yourself these days? bisexual, straight, lesbian or what? Wonder what's it's like to have a man and a women eating out the palm of your hands."

Whoa this bitch was asking to get slapped. I was heated and walking towards saying "What gives you the right to analyze..." before I could even finish Maya stepped in between us and quickly said "Would you ladies like something to drink?"

"Yes honey, a glass of wine." Did i just say.. by the look on Maya face confirmed it all. I had no idea why I said honey. Just slipped out.

Maya had to hide the smile that was forming across her face. Vanessa roll her eyes and said "Just water for me" Maya was soon in the kitchen.

Vanessa said "Trust me, I'm not trying to analyze your pathetic life. But if I were my conclusion would be that you're selfish and it's evident you think this world revolves around you. I'm amazed how you have Maya thinking you're some lost confuse soul.

"You know nothing about me," I shot back "You haven't even know me long enough to have an opinion. But what has become clear to me is you don't have much of a life. Especially if you have time to scrutinize mine"

"Oh, I have a life! I happen to care about my friends."

"Look I care about Maya, but i don't owe you an explanation for our relationship. She's a grown women who's capable of taking care of herself. So I suggest we end this conversation."

"Sure for Maya's sake because we'll never see eye to eye on this."

How dare she talk to me like that. Did I detect a little jealousy? But she did have a point. Even though I was going to marry Ben I still couldn't get over Maya. But for me being bisexual..never! I didn't want the best of both worlds.

Maya eventually came out of the kitchen as if she had n't been listing, and handed us our drinks. Vanessa drank her water and told Maya it was obvious this wasn't a good time. She hugged Maya and saw herself to the door. She looked back at me and said "Enjoy your life." with that she was out the door.

"What was all that about." I said as I looked at Maya

"Don't worry Vanessa is a little over protective."

"How old is she?"

"Twenty-nine"

"Does she have a boyfriend..girlfriend...a dog or something?"

Maya smiled. "She was engaged a few years ago. The wedding was set and the invites were out. Then he backed out at the last minute. No explanation other then he wasn't ready."

"That explains her issues with me. I think she's a little envious. Trust me there is no reason to be, my life is nothing to envy. How did you meet her anyway." I said as I sat down.

She sat down right by me leaving no room. My heat beat to quicken. I couldn't scoot over even if I wanted since i was at the end of the couch. She said "She works at the admission office at my school. We just clicked. She was a little needy at first, but that was right after her break up. I was there for her through all that. I told her I was a lesbian she said, 'Whatever' I think she was in too much pain to even care and we've been close ever since. She lives a few blocks away. She was also there for me when my father died."

I found my voice. "Well, no offense Maya but she needs to get a life and stay out of ours."

Maya chuckled. "Come on. she's alright. She.. she just doesn't want to see me get hurt."

"If you say so. I'm over it i guess." I said as I took a deep breath. I looked at the time. "Maya I got to go" she pouted. She's very cute when she pouts.

"Fine, if you must." She said "But will I see you later?" She asks in a questioning tone.

"I hope so. I gave her a hug as if it was the last time I'd ever see. That's the way it was when you never know what tomorrow might be. I got up and headed to the door. She followed. Before I stepped out the door I turned around and said. "I really hope I do get to see you soon."

She smiled kissed me on the cheek and said "I really hope so too." As she removed a couple strands of hair out my face.

I couldn't help but smile. With that I turned and walked away.

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**Okay so next chapter Maya meets Emily Parents!, umm oh Emily also meets Maya's mother! :O wonder how that will turn out. anyway thanks for reading. hope you enjoy and please leave me your thoughts! :) **


	15. Give Your Parents A Chance

**Sorry for any mistakes. writing this real late at night and i'm sleepy LOL I had to update. So enjoy.. don't forget to drop a review! :)**

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*Several Months Later*

It was now a month away from June twenty-second and I was getting a little restless. I'd already had a final fitting for my gown, and Ben and his groomsmen had been fitted for their tuxedos. I decided Sandra would be my maid of honor because she introduced me to Ben and plus we become really close since then.

I invited Maya to our annual Memorial Day barbeque at my family's house. Maya and I had spent a lot of time together over the last few months. We were practically inseparable. One the day of the party, I stood by the door waiting for her. Somehow I missed her, and Jade ended up answering the door. Jade found me and told me Maya was in the living room. She had this 'I know she's a lesbian' look and her face, but didn't say a word. I introduced Maya to a few of my uncles, aunts, and cousins. She also met Sandra and Marcus. Then I took her to meet my parents. Dad was at the grill.

"Maya, this is my dad, Wayne Fields."

"Nice to meet you." She said.

Dad went on to tell Maya hoe beautiful she was, they chatted about how gorgeous today is and what she was studying at University of Pennsylvania. Then we walked in the kitchen to meet mother.

"Maya this is my mother Pam Fields."

"Hi, Maya how are you?" She said while she put down the large sliver spoon she was using to stir the baked beans with down on the counter. "Now I have a face to put to the voice." She was staring at Maya as if she was trying to find something lesbian about her. But Maya didn't fit any of the so called stereotypes.

"Fine ma'am, nice to meet you too. You and Emily can pass for sisters."

"Why thank you, aren't you sweet." She said blushing.

I was glad that was over.

A few hours pass, at some point i left Maya in the living room. I was so paranoid. I was trying so hard not to pay too much attention to her, that I gave her none at all. She was sitting alone the few times I noticed her. I knew when I was in her presence, I blushed like a fool in love and smiled like a newborn baby. I didn't want anyone to see the obvious. After about an hour later of totally ignoring her her, I went over to ask if she was ready to eat.

"No, I don't want anything to eat. I'm leaving."

Emily furrowed her brows. "What's wrong?"

"Emily I didn't come here to be totally ignored by you. Why did you invite me? Once again this is about you. What are you trying to prove now Emily?"

"I wanted you to meet my family." I said lamely.

"No, not like this. I can't sit here and be ignore by you Emily. It hurts." She was starting to raise her voice. "I'm leaving, but what does it mater to you? You probably won't even realize I'm gone." She grabbed her purse and pulled out her phone.

"Who are you calling?" I said a bit harshly

She didn't answer. She was calling for someone to pick her up. She then said 'bye Vanessa' and hung up the phone. I cringe at the name. My blood begun to boil... but I wasn't about to make a scene. She walked to the door and waited on the porch for Vanessa , I quickly followed behind her. "Tell me the truth what's with you and Vanessa?"

"What do you mean? You know there's nothing going on. Don't you dare try and turn this around. This has nothing to do with Vanessa."

"I just know what you tell me."

"And if there was? Do you think it's fair for me to wait around for you to mess up your life and not live mine? I'd like to have a life too Emily! Vanessa is just a friend, and you know this but I'd like to meet other people. In a few weeks my heart will break. You'll be married and gone and living this twisted up version of happily ever after, and I'll have nothing. You don't gave a damn about me. Just call Maya whenever you need to reassure yourself your straight. Oh she loves me. she'll come running. Well it's over. You need to make a decision, and I know what that'll be. I love you and I need you. But I also need to have a story with an ending!"

I looked at Maya for what seemed like hours. Everything she was saying hit me either in my heart or in my gut. Maybe a little bit of both. I was speechless. But I manage to speak and said "I-I'm sorry Maya I.." I was fighting back to hold in tears " I want to be with you. I do you may not know that,or you do. But i really do but I just can't. I thought you understood that. Let me try to make this marriage work. I'm not 100% sure how this marriage will turn out..b-but I have to try Maya. I have to try and be a different women."

"Look. Go back inside and enjoy your life. I'll be okay. I'll just wait for my ride." She said in a tone a couldn't quite make out.

I look over and I see Jade standing nearby. I'm sure she heard our entire conversation. She walked over to us and asked "Is everything alright?"

"Yes" Maya said. Vanessa pulled up and Maya looked at Jade and said "Nice meeting you." She said with the best smile she can give. She then looked at Emily with her smile vanishing and said "Enjoy your party."

I watched as Maya got into the car and drove away.

Jade looked at me "What was all that about?"

"Nothing Jade, let's go eat."

"You're lying." She said to Emily stepping closer. "That women was hurt and angry!"

"We had a disagreement, it'll be fine."

"Come on Emily, that was more then a disparagement. Do you really think I'm that naive?"

"No, I don't. But just because I told you I had some issues in the past doesn't mean every women I associate with is a lesbian!"

"I'm just asking! You expect me to open up to you, but you're never honest with me about anything. Just remember what dad always said 'What you do in the dark will come to light.'"

"Whatever" I said and walked off.

I went inside and ate a little bit, then prepared a plate for Maya. I got in my car and went to her house. I knocked on the door and Vanessa answered the last person I wanted to see, but i tired to be cordial.

"Hi, Vanessa, is Maya here?"

"Yes but I don't think she wants to see you right now."

"Just let her know I'm here please."

"Hold on." she said as she closed the door in my face, She came back to the door and said "she's in her room."

I walked back to Maya's room to find her sitting on her bed. She looked at me with tears in her eyes ans said, "I can't do this. I thought I could, but I can't. Before I met you I knew exactly what I wanted from life. I knew who I was, and where I was going. Now I know nothing. I need to try and get my life back. A life that doesn't include you. I thought I could deal with fifty percent of you, but I can't. I love you more then you love yourself, and that frightens me. I need to find a way to let you go. We can't be friends right now. I either want to love you or hate you. Right now I'm leaning towards hate."

I couldn't say a word. I walked over to her and reached out and took her hand and placed it on my heart so she can feel I was hurting too. "I love you, but I can't have a life with you. I understand if you ever don't want to see me again. But If you do you're welcomed no matter where I'am." Then I kissed her on the lips ever so gently, and walked out the room.

As I was leaving her mother. was walking into the house. I can tell because Maya looked just like her. She said "You must be Emily!" I'm Terri, Maya's mom."

"Nice to meet you." I said nervously.

"Can I speak to you for a moment."

That was a bit out of nowhere, but couldn't say i didn't expect it."Yes of course" I replied.

She motioned me to follow her into her bedroom, that was on the opposite side of the house from Maya's room. She told me to have a seat in a chair that was in the corner as she closed the door behind us. She then said "Emily I'm not sure what's going on between you and my daughter. I know she cares a great deal for you. I don't in any way envy your life. Not to mention your upcoming marriage. But it's obvious you care about my daughter. Think about what your about to do. Consider talking to your parents. I didn't accept Maya being a lesbian at first. It took a long time. Even when i was telling her I did, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. But I had to tell her I did. I didn't want her wandering into those looking for love ans support she couldn't get at home. It's my responsibility to love and support all my children even when I don't fully understand what's going on with them. Maya didn't kill anybody. She wasn't on drugs or running the streets. She was respectful and never made me worry. I had to do some serious soul searching to realize I'd done nothing wrong, that I didn't turn Maya into a lesbian. Over time my daughter has taught me to love unconditionally. She has been brave and she's my baby girl. Emily" she said as she reached out to hold my hand "we never know who God is creating in the womb, but once that image of him is born we must love and accept that person with all our heart or answer for it later. Give your parent a chance. They may not understand mow, but they'll will come around. Think about the lifetime commitment you're about to make. Your family can learn to accept as I did."

What could I say to that? She was a sweet lady, but she didn't know my family. I looked up and said "Thank you Mrs. St. Germain, but my parents are different. I can't be a lesbian and have them accept me. I can't do that to my family. It's wrong in their eyes."

"You have to find your own way in this world. You know who you are deep in the pit of your being. Your marriage and family can't change that. You have to live this life for you or else you'll never understand your purpose and you'll leave this earth never having lived." She paused then said "It wasn't until I had to fight for my own life as I battled breast cancer that I grew closer to the meaning of life, Then I had to help my husband fight for his life. Maya is who she is and you are who you are. Marrying a men won't change that. But don't worry about Maya she'll be fine."

I stood up to gave Mrs. St. Germain a hug. "Thank you so much." She hugged me back.

As i walked out and drove her Mrs. St. Germain words had me thinking. But I to push them thoughts out. I was going to marry Ben and I'am going to make my family proud.

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**just know no matter what happens you all will get the happy ending. Em and Maya will be together. ohh and another thing i wrote a emily and maya smut fanfic, but it is posted on another account. the account is called IPerveEmaya and the name of the fic is That Night" be sure to follow that account! :) **


	16. Bridal Shower

Sorry for the longest update ever. I was really not sure if I wanted to continue this story. Why? mainly because i don't think people are getting what I'm trying to do. most writers would've had Emily and Maya together by now. But i don't want to do that just yet. in my summary I'm pretty sure it says Emily marries Ben. And I also promise yall a Emaya happy ending. which you will get. I'm just taking a whole completely different realistic road. I wanted to write Emily as a women who tries to hide her feelings the best she can from the women she loves so she can please her family. Even today women are married to men knowing damn well they're lesbian. and that's what I'm trying to write. yes Emily is "weak" she wont give in (not yet at least) she's..whatever you call her. But anyway i didn't know so many people wanted me to finish. I just hope you all get what I'm trying to do here that's all! (:

anyway sorry for the long A/N hope this chapter brings laughter. um please read and review, really wanna hear your thoughts ok! enjoy OHH one more thing THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed, favorite this story follow and put this story on you I appreciate and I love you all!

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It was three days before the wedding. Ben and his family were in town, and to my knowledge everything was going well, I was nearly packed. My parents were getting a little nervous. They were starting to bicker..well actually my mom. Jade grew worse. She became this...hateful person and no one knew why. She would be fine one moment and really strange the next. I even found some marijuana in her room a few weeks before. When I asked her about it, we got into huge argument. Jade told me I couldn't tell her anything about life. She told me I was a fraud and had been all my life, so I needed to stay out of her life. I was hurt, and I figured it was time for me to let Jade do her own thing. Besides she was right..I was the biggest fraud. Always telling her how to live, meanwhile I'm living a lie myself.

Our last blow out happened when I was trying to talk to her about school. She was a senior and I felt she needed to make some decisions.

"Jade I can't wait until I get settled so you can come and visit. I know we've been going at ir lately, but I just want to make sure you're on the right track."

"...and which track is that?"

"Staying away from drugs to start and second you need to fugure out what you're going to do about school."

Jade took a deep breathe and said "Don't worry about me, just go do what you do."

Emily eyebrows furrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Jade shrugged as if it was very simple and obvioues. "Whatever it is you're doing. Aren't you getting married in a few days? Go do that!"

"Damn Jade. All I ever tried to do is be there for you and be somebody you could look up to!"

"Hm I don't know Emily, I think you're fake. You love two different lives. Trust me you're not someone I want to look up to. You've never been true to anything. I've watch you sneak in and out of this house and lie to mom and dad on a regular basis. Don't worry about me.. I'll go find me a role model. Maybe Wonder Women or Isis. At least I know what they're about."

Not even considering half of what she was saying was true, I said "All I've ever tired to do was be here for you Jade. But lately all you've managed to do is give me you ass to kiss. If you want to say something to me you need to come on out and say it. Stop beating around the damn bush with this Isis stuff!"

"Okay Emily," She said with tears in her eyes. "I've always wanted you to be you, and be honest. Then mom and dad would've had to deal with it and we wouldn't have had to go through all this pretending you weren't a lesbian. Then maybe they would've realized you weren't the only child they brought into this world. That's all I ever wanted. I needed a real role model no matter who you are or who you choose to love! I know what the bible says and I know what everyone else says. But you're MY sister and I really don't care what people say about you. You're all I've got in this world. I'll still love you. This family is everything to me. If we're not loving each other with all our issues, then nothing really matters."

Still not hearing her as I had become numb, blind and deaf to anyone who tried to pull out this deep dark closet I was in. I looked at her and said "All I've ever done in my life was try and please this family. I've given up so much for the Fields, I;m sorry Jade..I don't know what you want to say or do. I'm doing what I feel like is the right thing to do."

With that I walked out the room. Jade and I didn't speak again until my wedding the day,

I had sent Maya the invitation she asked for, I wanted her there for my own selfish reasons.

The rehearsal dinner was perfect, It was the first time our parents had a chance to meet. I t was held at my Aunt Charlot house and Ben and I hardly had a moment to ourselves. But we knew we'd have the rest of out lives together, so it really didn't matter. Ben was charming as usual and I felt so...lucky. I knew I'd do everything in my power to try and make him happy. Our parents appeared to really take to each other. Everything was almost too perfect. But something was messing. I felt content but not...happy? or was it just something else?

After we said our good nights to all our guests. Ben and I sat on the front porch. He looked exhausted or concern I really couldn't tell, but I knew he had something on his mind.

"Emily," He said "Are you sure you want to get married?"

Shocked I looked at him and said "Of course Ben. Are you having second thoughts?"

"No no. I just don't want to rush you, and lately you've seemed preoccupied. I need you in my life. I want you in my life. I want you as my wife. The last eight months have been incredible for me. I just want to make sure this is what you really want to do."

I thought oh my god were is this coming from? Is Ben having doubts about this marriage? I didn't want know what to say. Then I knew that this was a good time to tell him about my past. I took a deep breath and said, "Ben there is something you need to know."

He looked at me with worry in his eyes and I sat paralyzed with fear. All I can heat was my heart thudding against my chest. The words wouldn't come out. I couldn't believe it. My mouth was open but nothing coming out. He was looking at me as if I was from outer space. I knew I had to say something.

"Ben," I said "Please don't ever doubt my love for you and my commitment to us. I'm not prefect, but I need you to help me become.." She paused "whole You're the best thing that ever happened to me." Then I held him in my arms, desperately trying to believe in my own words. A certain women crept into her mind as she close here eyes.

Sandra had been planning my bridal shower since she learned of the wedding. I didn't know who to tell her to invite. I wasn't really close to anybody in my extended family, and all my "real" friends didn't want to partake in my wedding festivities. Somehow or another Sandra managed to get a good number of people to involved.

The shower was at Sandra's house. I arrived around 6:00 a little bit after some of the guests. I wore a cream colored lined fittted dress with sandals to match. I managed to get a hair and nail appointment in. Sanadra in a very posh townhouse overlooking a wooded area and a lake. She managed to do well for herself working for the goverment. We often double dated when Ben was in town and we hit the clubs on occasion. I wanted to tell her about my change. I always wanted to be honest with people I was close with, but it was hard. Even though I trusted her I felt that what she didn't know couldn't hurt me.

Sandra place was decorated nicely. A champagne fountain flowed, and peach, black and white balloons and party favors were everywhere. Most of my cousins, anuts,people from work and a few of mother's freinds were there. Everybody expect my sister. No one had any idea where she was. This really bothered me. I expected her to be here despite our issues.

Also to my surprise, Maya and Vanessa were there. I didn't tell her about the shower. How did she get an invite? I didn't care how she got thereall I knew was that she looked delicious. She had on a black slacks witha black halter top, heels and cute little diamond hoop earrings. Her hair looked like silk as it lay on the back of her neck. She just glistened, and I was quietly in awe. There was something about about her smile that set her apart from everyone else. It was hard to take my eyes off of her. I told her one day that she reminded me of junk food. I know I didn't need it, but it tasted so good she just simply smiled that one famous smiled as she winked at me. That sent chills down my spine. I'm sure Vanessa was there just to be nosy. I also couldn't help but notice how great Sandra looked as well. She had on a long black skirt witha split up the side, and a white button down blouse. You didn;t have to look closely to notice she'd forgotton to button most of the buttons. She was incredibly sexy.

I walked over to Maya and gave her a hug. God she smelled so good. Then I went on to greet the rest of the guest including.. Vanessa. At one point I managed to get Maya in the kitchen alone for a moment. I told her how surprised I was to see her.

"I'm surprise to be here." She said. "Your mother of all people invited me a few days ago when I called your house."

"Wow," I said. "Well I'm glad your here. I didn't think you'd come around me and my family again..."

"Thought I'd give you one more chance to do right by me." She laughed.

"Well, I'm glad you're here." I repeated giving her a sly smile.

We started at each other for what seem like a life time. Her eyes got darker which sent heat waves all over my body. What I didn't notice was our body getting closer, like gravity was pulling us together. We were just a breathe away from each other. My heart was beating fast. I was afraid i might be going into cardiac arrest. She smelled so good. I was leaning in towards her her breath and my breath combining into one. God I wanted to kiss her just one more time. Just then Sandra came walking in. We pulled away quickly. She had her head turned talking to everyone in the living room. She didn't see us.

"I'll go get her now." She said She as she came in "I have a surprise for you baby" Was it me or did she said that rather...seductively? This can't be good. I turned around to Maya telling her to come with. She still looked a little shocked. Her eyes still dark which cause me to breathe out a shaky breath.

"What's going on?" I asked only just to get a quick You'll see in response.

She led me to the living room and sat me in the chair and blind folded me. Then I heard the ladies screaming. I knew then they'd gotten a stripper for me. I was so embarrassed. Moments later, I felt some man gyrating his body against my pelvic area. He then took my hand and began to rub it against his very firm chest and thighs. I was doing my very best to pretend to enjoy the moment, but if they could've seen my eyes they would've known how uncomfortable I was. Even though Ben and I were intimate frequently this caught me by surprise. I was just getting used to sex with him, but I wasn't quite ready for this strange man to rub his body against mine.

The women were going crazy, and I wondered if I could really be a part of their world. Not so much the lust and entertainment part but the realistic part of cherishing and loving a man. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts I almost forgot where I was. When the show was over they took off the blindfold and this gorgeous man stood before me in a g-string. I could only think WOW and that was it, nothing more nothing less. I felt nothing else. He was attractive and sexy, but no comparing him to Maya, Sandra or any other women I was attractive to. I figured I could always go through the motions and learn to live a normal life. But at what cost I asked myself, without hesitating I knew the answer was at the cost of my soul.

Pretending to be overwhelmed, I graciously led him over to one of the other ladies as I made my way out of the room. Maya followed me and we met in the hallway near the bathroom. Deja Vu?

She started laughing as she noticed the agony on my face. "Girl I wish I could've seen you eyes!"

I looked at her and said "Don't be funny." I said trying to hold in my laugh.

Then she grabbed my hand and began telling me how much she missed me. Sandra once again came in looked at us rather strangely. I dropped Maya's hand and said to Sandra "You really got me and he was too fine."

"Wasn't he though? Are you okay?" She asked as I guess I looked flushed.

"I'm fine. What a show." I said trying my best to summon up a smile.

She looked at Maya and said "Have you ever seen a man that fine?"

I could tell Maya wanted no part of that question. Maya was not in the closet and never pretended to be, so I held my breath as she answered nonchalantly, "Yeah he was fine." and excused herself.

Sandra then moved closer to me and whispered "Where did the two of you meet?"

"Through a friend if mine."

"I don't remember her. Did she go to school with us?

"Nope. What's with the twenty questions? Is there something in particular you want to ask me? I said kind of aggravated but trying my best to let it not show.

"No...no I was just curious. She looks familiar. Is she the one your mom told me she invited?"

"I guess. Why Sandra? What is it?"

"I don't know Emily, it seems like she just came out of nowhere. She's never gone out with us. Oh...I know she was at the Memorial Day BBQ at your house. She didn't say very long either. I remember you left right after she did."

"Wow. Don't you have a good memory?" I said mentally rolling my eyes. "Yes she was there."

"I knew I'd seen her before. You should bring her out with us sometime. She seems nice enough. Maybe she'll want to go to Milan's with us. I'll ask her."

I wasn't worried. I knew Maya wasn't going to a straight club. The few times we talked about it she said It's like going to a restaurant when you know they have nothing you want to eat.

"What's your big interest in Maya all of a sudden?" I asked.

"Why are we spending my wedding shower talking in the hallway about her?"

"Well let's go in my room and talk about her." She said as she pulled me towards the door. This was not the answer I was hoping to get. I was stunned.

"Sandra, what's this all about?" I asked as she closed the door.

"It's about you." She was clearly violating my personal space, but she wasn't yelling or anything. Just way too close for comfort. "I saw the way she looked at you tonight..and at the barbecue. Women don't look at each other that way Emily. She's a beautiful women. Does she has a man? Why is she looking at you like you're a nice juicy stake with a side of homemade mash potato and a fine glass of red wine? Is she a lesbian?

It was too close to my wedding day for this drama. I didn't know how to handle it. I knew if I told her the truth she'll tell Ben. They were best friends. God I was so sick and tired of the lies. I couldn't even tell her I was trying to change. How could I explain Maya?

"Sandra I'm not sure what you thought you saw. I know you're a federal agent and all, but not on my personal time, okay? Maya is a friend. Whether or not she's a lesbian is her business not mine or yours. The important thing is I'm not a lesbian. I love Ben and you know this. You know what we mean to each other, so put your badge down and relax."

Since... "Emily I'm sorry. I won't mention it again." she said as she gently rubbed the side of my neck and face Witt the palm of her hand. Then she gave me a hug. "Come on, let's go open gifts."

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." I took a deep breath after she left. I didn't even want to begin to figure out what that was about. I think she knew the way Maya looked at me was strange because at times she'd look at me that same way. Before I went back down stairs Maya and I met in the hallway ans she asked,

"What was all that about? I think Ms. Sandra has a thing for you," Maya said wiggling her eyebrows. I loved when she did that.

But back to the conversation "Sandra is not a lesbian. She introduced me to Ben and we've gotten pretty close. We grew up in the same neighborhood,"

"Call it what you want, I see the way she look at you." Maya narrowed her eyes at me

Is everybody just going around looking at each other? I wondered. "Trust me Maya, It's not like that."

We then walked into the living room and I started opening my gifts. There were plenty of sex toys along with some very cute negligees. As things wound down Maya offered to drive me home. Hesitantly, I accepted and told her I'd be ready shortly. She smiled and walked to the door. I looked at Sandra told her I had a wonderful time and everything was perfect, and I kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door.


	17. AN

This is not an update. I just wanna say i read everyone's view on this story. & I will give you guys what you all want. I had everything planned out. which involved Emily getting married. and what not. since i'm doing that, i have to start over on my drawing board. um this might take awhile and the story might end sooner then i would of like. But i'll give you all what you want. So i'll plan and i'll start writing the chapters after my graduation on May 16. So thank you and when I come back it will be a new story. :) Thanks for the reviews love in support.


	18. I Do?

Hey all! Thanks for waiting and being patient. Here is another update. Also thanks for all the review, favs and follows means a lot.

June 22, 2013.

Our wedding day. I was so nervous; we were all at my house: Sandra, Mother, and the bridesmaids. Everyone but Jade again no one had any idea where she was.

I talked to Ben early that morning and he was doing fine. Still, Mrs. St. Germain words were stayed in my head ever since that night. I kept hearing her voice in the back of my mind.

We were on our way to church and everyone was in good spirits. Mother and I rode together and everyone else followed. Mother was smiling for ear to ear. She told me again how proud she was of me.

Dad was already at church, and everything seemed to be going well. Guests were starting to arrive. Ben was talking to Reverend Floyd. Dad told me Jade had arrived also. I didn't send Carmen and the gang invites they made it quite clear they weren't going to come. But a part of me was really expecting to see Maya. Before the wedding started dad came to me and hugged me with love. I hugged him back with the same amount of love. We let go and he smiled at me.

"Look at my little girl." He said. I smiled "you look…beautiful"

"Thanks daddy." I said with a wide grin.

What he said next caught me off guard.

"Em, are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"Yeah why wouldn't I? I-I Iove Ben and-"

"No you don't." He said calmly. "I know what love looks like Emily and your eyes tell a completely different story. Just because your actions says you love him doesn't mean you do. Marrying Ben won't make you love him anymore." He took my hand and looks me deeply in the eyes

"I'm going to ask you one more time are you sure you want to do this? I know you don't love him sweetie… You love her."

My breath hitched and my eyes widen. I didn't know what to think or say I just started at him. He just read me like a free newspaper on a stand. Just as I about to reply the usher came and said we had 5 minutes. There was silence again

"I have to." Is all I said before I walked out the room.

As I left the room I saw Maya walk in and everything just stopped. She looked dazzling. She wore a soft blue taffeta dress with spaghetti straps. Her hair was loosely curled just flowing around her neck. Just by the look in her eyes I knew it was taking all she had to hold it together. I could tell she wanted so much to hate me. She was at my wedding to reassure herself she was no longer a part of my life. In a few seconds it took me to walk past her, I knew she didn't hate me. I knew she was there because she loved me and couldn't walk out of my life. I knew for the first time that Maya St. Germain was powerless as well.

There I stood behind the doors in my white sparkly strapless dress, with my hair in a tightly done bun with a white hair clip that my mother gave me. She told me it was her mother's mother and it has been passed down from generation to generation. She told me once again how proud she was. I took in a shaky breath as I heard the music start, then the double doors opened. The church was filled with family and friends some which included family and friends who never really gave a damn about me, but came to see the wedding and gossip. Jade was up there as one of the bridesmaids sporting a fake smile. When the music started playing "Here Comes the Bride" everyone rose to their feet as my father and I walked down the aisle. I was still in a bit of a shocked by are last conversation but I try to not let that show and put the best bride smile on my face. As I walked down the aisle I saw Maya from the corner of my eye. I dare not to look at her for it pained me to see the love but the sadness in her eyes that I caused. I wanted with all my heart to hold her and make that go away; to make the saddens go away but I couldn't. Then I saw my mother the smile and the joy in her eyes as she stood proud. Looking at her I felt hate… anger and a lot of other emotions. I guess I must have squeezed my father's arm a little too tight because he wiggled his arm a bit out of the grip and asked me if I was okay. I smiled and said yes for only him to hear.

Next thing I know I am in front of Ben. With his nicely fitted black tuxes. I must not lie he do look rather handsome, looking like a million of dollars with his fresh cut. He stood with the biggest smile of all. With some much love in his eyes. I felt ashamed. I wonder if I mirror his expression I tried to. I must have because his expression didn't change at all. Reverend Floyd started talking. My heart beat was beating fast. Not the nervous type of fast but the panic type of heart beat. I saw Ben's lips moving I couldn't hear anything at all, the blood was rushing to my head. I believed he said I love you. I took a deep breath. Soon the sounds started to become clear. I heard Reverend Floyd say

"Do you promise to love, honor, comfort and cherish her this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do!" Ben said with so much glee and a very wide grin with a sparkle in his eyes.

Reverend Floyd repeated his word to me. And at this moment just two words can change my life forever. As he was speaking to me I started thinking about my life with Ben. How unhappy and how much I'll hate myself for forcing myself to love someone that I could never love. I couldn't return the love; the love that Ben gave me. Then I thought about Mrs. Germain words. I thought about my life with Maya. I loved her more then I know. Just the thought of her sent chills down my spine. I loved her. I always loved her since the first time I laid eyes on her. I smiled because I was thinking about her. Then I saw Ben reflecting my smile. My heart stopped. I'm a horrible person. My pulse rate was increasing . I'm a horrible person. Eyes start to water I-I can't w-what am I doing Emily thought to herself. Then she heard Reverend Floyd last words.

"… for as long as you both shall live?"

Silence.

I looked up at Ben he's smiling. I looked at his family they look as happy as Ben do. I looked at my mother she's smiling harder than anyone in this room. My dad is looking at me with worry. I looked at Maya but she looked away. I look back at Ben.

"I…

Oh man did I… did I just really leave it off right there did I really? I did sorry. Some stories have cliffhangers. I needed one so I thought this moment was perfect. Don't hate me ok. Xoxox I promise next chapter will be longer. Just wanted to give you all a little something because it been a while. Hmmm next chapter: will she say I do? A flashback between Maya and . The results and Maya and Emily fluff. Tell me what do you all want to see happen. Besides emaya sex that's a given. I really want to hear


	19. You Always Had Me

Thanks for the reviews! XoxoX

Silence.

I looked up at Ben he's smiling. I looked at his family they look as happy as Ben do. I looked at my mother she's smiling harder than anyone in this room. My dad is looking at me with worry. I looked at Maya but she looked away. I look back at Ben.

"I… I can't I-I am sorry I..."

Gasps and whisper flooded the room as those words left my mouth. My breathing increased along with my heart rate. I yanked my hands away from Ben's. His face fell. My heart hurt from the pain that was in his eyes. No I didn't love him but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. Panicked started to set in. I ran… I ran away like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. I heard some yell Emily wait! Was it Ben? Maya? My mother. She had no clue. Emily bust through the double doors and carefully ran down the stairs, she lift up her dress and took off. She didn't know where her legs were taking her as long it was far away from that wedding.

She found herself at the park where she sees little kids that were carefree just running around. Enjoying life smiling and laughing. They had the right idea. As she walked through the park to get to the beach she sees people staring at her. Giving her shocking and surprise looks, as if they never seen a runaway bride before. She just ignored them as she made her way to the sand. She unstrapped her shoes and walked barefooted across the sand. The sand wasn't too hot or too cold. She walked until she got to the water where small waves ran across her feet. The wind was blowing Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath as the tears come flowing down her face. She wasn't crying because she sad. The tears that were flowing down her face her were tears of release. Tears of freedom…she felt free. She didn't feel like a prisoner she didn't feel weak she felt the exact opposite. She smiled and laugh to herself a bit. Emily slowly walked all the way over to the pier. She climbed the ladder carefully to get on to the pier. She walked to the edge and gently sat down letting her feet hang over the edge as her head rested against the wooden pool.

A few hours past sunset setting in and Em was still at the there. Just lost in her thoughts. She needed this time just to think. Think about what she was about to do. What she was going to tell her mother what she had done. She was going have to tell Ben everything he had the right to know. She owes him that much. She heard foots steps behind her coming closer. The unknown figure came closer to her when the mystery person finally reached Emily she sat down right next to her. She automatically knew who it was. She turned her hear towards her.

"Hey" Maya said giving her a sly smile.

Emily gave a weak but loving smile "Hey" she whispers back.

Silence fell amongst them; comfortable silences.

Emily then spoke. "How did you find me?" she said with curiosity as she looked at Maya.

The shorter girl chuckled to herself, tilted her head to the side and did one of her famous smirks. "I feel like I'm in some kind of love sick movie when I say this, but would it be cheesy if I said I followed my heart?" she said as she rest her head in left hand looking Emily straight in the eye.

Emily couldn't help but laugh. "To be honest those are the best kind of love movies" She said with ease. It was quiet again. She was starting at Maya as the shorted girl was looking at the sun setting on the horizon.

Emily took in a deep breath of air. "Maya" she said she grabbed her attention. "I-I am sorry…" Maya was about to say something but the runaway bride cut her off "Please let me finish." She said as she places her hands over Maya's. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for putting you through a hell roller coaster that never stopped. I wanted you while still having Ben at the same time. And that wasn't fair I was being selfish and that is not the type of person I am. I never want to _that _ person. I let fear take over me I let my mom take over my life. I know now that I have to live for me and not for anyone else. I want to be happy and free and not feel trapped or weak and marrying Ben would have made me feel…like I have completely gave up on life. Selling my happiness and soul to the devil. If it wasn't for you Maya I would have remember what happy and free and love feel like. If I never meet you I would of never felt that and tonight I would have been Mrs. Coogan and on my way to our honeymoon with a man I wasn't in love with. Instead of sitting on this pier wearing a wedding dress with the woman I love the most more than anything on this earth; the woman I can never stop thinking about. I'm so certain more than I have ever been in my life that I'm in love with always falling in love with you every time I look at you. So I thank you Maya with every inch of my heart thank you." I didn't realize I was crying until Maya wipe the tears from my eyes with her thumb. She smiled at me and it warmed my heart. She kept her hands tangled in my hair and her thumb rubbing my cheek as she said

"You don't know how long I waited for you to say that." She pulled her hand away before one last swipe across my cheek. She looked out to the night sky. "Do you remember what I told you about my first relationship Emily? How so far she was in the closet that she almost pulled me with her. How I was almost willing to let her because at the time I thought I was in love with her. How I also waited so long for her to come out but she always ran back in?" I shock my head in remembrances. "How do I know you won't flak out on me again Em? When things get tough with your mom and the pressure gets to you again. How do I know that you won't run the other way again? I won't be able to handle it. My heart won't be able to take it Emily. When I saw you up there…with him I." she stopped and took a deep breath while she was holding back tears that were threating to fall. She was still looking at the night sky. "When I saw you up there with him" she repeated. "I died" tears fell. Along with tears of my own. "The pain that I felt in me was unbearable every time I saw you with him I felt it. Every time I thought of him hugging you, kissing you, touching you, saying I love you…just him being next to you I felt that dying pain inside and it killed me when I saw you up there him today and when you looked at me I was so close to getting up and leave I think I was about to leave I couldn't take it. You looking at me I thought that was the end. I thought you were saying goodbye."

My eyes were flooded with tears along with her hers. I try to speak but nothing came out. I scooted closer to her and turned her head gently so she'll look at me. It took a minute before I was able to speak. I looked deep into her glistening dark eyes as I spoke. "Maya I-I won't I promise you that. You telling me this… you hurting like that…I can't live with myself if I ever caused you that pain again. I don't think I can even forgive myself for hurting you like that. I'm sure more than anything that it's you that I want in will forever want as long as I shall live. My mother won't ever get in the way of that again no one will ever take me away from you. That I promise Maya. I'm not turning back I can't you're the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I'm not letting go, not now not ever. I'm sorry it took so long but I'm here now. You have me, you have my heart and I don't want it back. I trust you with it and hopefully you'll trust me with yours in time. I'll prove my love to you every single day if I have to; even after I have it." Our foreheads met. "I love you Maya St. Germain forever and a day."

She pushed my lips into hers it was so warm and soft and tasted of salty tears. I knew mine tasted the same. She tangled her hands in my hair and pulled me closer to her she took my bottom lip into hers and swipes her tongue for access which I granted. Our tongues dance together and her lips sliding over mine we kept this rhythm a tiny moan escaped my mouth. The kiss was so passionate. I never wanted it to end and I wouldn't have if it wasn't for the air I so desperately needed so we parted. I immediately missed the contact. She looks me right in the eye and gave me a sly smile with her now swollen lips.

"I love you too Emily…you have me. You always did. And you always will"

We kissed again until air was calling our name. "I think we better go. Everyone is worrying sick about you."

I took in a deep breathe "Yea I know" I whisper. I'm going to have to go back and tell everyone the truth.

"Everyone went back to your mom's place." She stood up and reached for my hand which I took. "I drove here my car is right over there."

I stood up and brush the sand off of me. She must have seen the expression my face.

"I know it's going to be hard Emily but I'm right here with you. I'll always by your side."

She kissed me on the lips so soft. I love this girl so damn much.

The car ride there was silent. I was thinking about what's to come ahead. How I'll tell everyone what happen. Explain to Ben the whys and fighting with my mom about Maya and my happiness and hearing her how being gay is just not right. But I'm willing to go through even more hell for her. If that means I get to be with Maya I'll do it. She's so worth it. She took my hands into hers and intertwines our fingers together. We stayed like this the rest of the drive back to the house.

She's so worth it I thought.

About half an hour later we arrived at my house. Cars parked everywhere. "Wow." I said in shock

"Half of them already left. There were more." Maya stated

When we got out the car to walk up the porch I see Jade. She changed out of her dress. She looked like she was going somewhere.

"Hey" I said to her. She look like she was out of it but she looked at me and smiled. This shocked me. I haven't seen her smile in forever and to consider what's going on.

"Hi" she replied "Hey Maya" she said after.

I asked if she was going anywhere she said yeah she made some late plans with a few of her friends. She rather be anywhere but in there it's like a ticking time bomb.

"That bad?" I asked

"Yup and I'm sure as soon as you walked in that's when it's going to go off. Oh and when I say bomb…I'm meaning mom."

"Yeah I figured." A car came by and honked. "Just don't stay out to late ok?"

"Yeah." She said as she got up. "Oh and Emily. I'm glad you didn't marry Ben." She said. Jade hopped into the passenger seat of the red Mercedes then the car took off.

"I agree with her." Maya said smiling at me. I smiled back.

Before I can even knock on the door the door just flung open and there stood my mother. Angry as ever BOOOM I said in my head

"WHAT THE HELL EMILY!"

I just wanted this chapter to be Emily and Maya talking. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and tell me what you think! xoxo


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